By Jesse Carrajat
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WFAN Disclaimer: The author of this column has no formal medical training, and contains little-to-no expertise in any medical or psychological fields. Actually, that’s incorrect: he contains no-to-no medical or psychological expertise in any field what-so-ever. The opinions and assertions contained herein are expressly those of the author, and are not to be construed as representative of WFAN, or CBS at large.
Technician: “…You write about fantasy football? So listen to this, I reach high to draft Dallas Clark, and he’s out for the year, I trade two players for DeSean Jackson, and he doesn’t even know what planet he’s on right now, and now Jay Cutler is playing like he should get CUTlered from the Bears. Just my luck. And now, Kenny Britt, who I…….” (3:32 seconds more of this).
Me: “Yea, well, like I said, it’s definitely been a crazy season so far. So look, I was hoping you could run that cable wire around the back of the cabinets, so any guests I have won’t be able to see it. And also, how much does the NFL Red-Zone cost per month?”
Technician: “….Red-Zone? Nobody on my fantasy team has seen one of those in weeks. You know what? I’ll give you my whole fantasy team, see what you think. So with the third overall pick I took Aaron Rodgers, thinkin that he’s gonna at least…..”
That’s right about where I hit the kill-switch on my attention span. I already knew that two things were inevitably going to happen: 1. He would ignore my request and run all of the wires in front of the cabinets, and 2. He would proceed to perform a nine-minute Shakespearean soliloquy reenacting his entire 2010 fantasy draft, including anecdotes and side-narratives rationalizing each and every one of his picks. As he rambled on, one thing became blatantly obvious: he had no interest what-so-ever in carrying on a two-way conversation. He was clearly suffering from a pronounced psychological disorder that fantasy football was directly responsible for, and he was in need of immediate medical intervention.
In the past three weeks, NFL fans have been bombarded with ubiquitous broadcasts dissecting the occurrence and prevention of concussions in professional football. However, little attention has been paid to the psychological dangers inherent to participating in its by-product: fantasy football. The man mentioned above was suffering from a condition that was crippling his ability to behave as a courteous, receptive, and productive member of society. Like him, disgruntled fantasy players across the sports nation are suffering, and WFANtasy has investigated this severely overlooked epidemic. Below you will find the definition of three of the most common fantasy football oriented disorders, a description of various causes and symptoms, and a list of all current treatments available.
A condition characterized by a constant and un-quenchable desire to vent out fantasy misfortunes, regardless of whom, or if anyone at all, is listening. Caused by the persistent under performance of highly drafted prospects, a Fantasitis patient has little regard for the interest level and/or time constraints of their ventee’, and routinely exhibits conversational dominance and perpetual pessimism, often uttering sentiments such as, “Oh, ___ only got four points last week? Well that figures” and “Oh, ___ was just placed on the IR? That would happen: he’s on my team.”
Known causes: Ryan Mathews, Randy Moss, DeAngelo Williams, Shonn Greene, Cedric Benson, Beanie Wells
Week Nine Available Treatments:
RB, LeGarrett Blount, TB – In week eight, the former NCAA standout solidified himself as the most talented and capable back in Tampa Bay. RB Chevrolet Williams will also be utilized, but Blount will continue to be the primary rusher going forward.
WR, Sidney Rice, MIN – Something tells me Vikings coach Brad Childress watched Sidney Rice run a 40-yard dash last week, and then proceeded directly to the podium to announce the releasing of disgruntled WR Randy Moss. Add Rice now to gain some serious depth to your roster, and some serious nutritional value to any meal.
WR, Brandon Tate, NE – Something tells me Patriots coach Bill Belichick watched Brandon Tate run a 40-yard dash a month ago, and then proceeded directly to the podium to announce the releasing of disgruntled WR Randy Moss….Tate is the most talented of the Patriot WRs, and when they need to open up their passing game, he’ll be the beneficiary.
RB, Jonathan Stewart, CAR – Starting RB DeAngelo Williams has proven himself to be both inefficient and injury prone in 2010. Down the stretch, look for Jonathan Stewart to lead all RBs in fantasy points while single handedly carrying your team to the fantasy championship, all done while hoisting America on his shoulders and guiding us all out of the great recession of 2010…(for further reading, see “Sarcastic Ways to Hint at the Fact that Jonathan Stewart Sucks” by Jesse Carrajat).
WR, James Jones, GB – Look for QB Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay offense to heat up down the stretch, and with ole’ reliable WR Donald Driver out of the lineup for the foreseeable future, Jones will get the lion’s share of his vacated targets.
Poopy Quarterback Syndrome, or PQB, occurs when a fantasy football player severely overestimates the value of a quarterback, and when said quarterback “poops the bed,” the fantasy owner is left in a state of disarray until a viable replacement is found. A common symptom of PQB patients is their tendency to continuously extend laughable trade requests featuring their fallen signal caller, as if no one else in their league has been witnessing their QB’s monumental fall from fantasy grace.
Known Causes: Jay Cutler, Brett Favre, Matt Schaub, Kevin Kolb, Tom Brady (dare I say)
Week Nine Available Treatments:
QB, Jon Kitna, DAL – Week seven: 33 pass attempts/19 fantasy points. Week eight: 49 pass attempts/14 fantasy points. Week nine: 73 pass attempts/????? (The point here is that he’ll throw a lot)
QB, Vince Young, TEN – When healthy, Young has quietly averaged approx. 18 fppg in his past three full starts, and has not thrown an interception since week two. Although the Titans have a bye in week nine, with the addition of disgruntled WR Randy Moss, you can expect Young’s production to increase throughout the remainder of the season, or at least until WR Kenny Britt runs a 40-yard dash in front of coach Jeff Fisher…
QB, Derek Anderson, ARI – Say what you want about Derek Anderson, because it’s probably true.
QB, Jason Campbell, OAK – The fact of the matter here is that when camp broke in August, Jason Campbell was the Raiders top off-season acquisition and entrenched as the Raiders starting QB. After sub-par performances and a subsequent benching, injury has allowed Campbell to start the past two weeks, posting 21 and 24 FP, respectively. Look for Campbell to keep rolling vs. Kansas City.
Post Fanatic Stress Disorder
An anxiety disorder that can develop after a once successful, optimistic, and dedicated fantasy player’s team is ravaged by vicious injury, leaving a miserable and spiteful shell of a man/woman. PFSD patients have been known to veto any and all league trades, leave vacant spots in their starting rosters, and commit many other malicious acts in an attempt to sabotage their leagues in every way possible.
Known Causes: Dallas Clark, Tony Romo, Ryan Grant, Jermichael Finley, Kenny Britt, Joseph Addai
Week Nine Available Treatments:
TE, Jacob Tamme, IND – Although Dallas Clark is a proven, reliable tight end, he plays for a proven, productive offense with a quarterback that elevates the ability of the players around him. Clark’s targets will not be dispersed amongst WRs, but rather, to the able body who replaces him…Tamme
TE, Benjamin Watson, CLE – Watson has quietly become the 12th best fantasy tight end in the NFL this season, and it’s no coincidence that his production has increased since rookie QB Colt McCoy has taken over. If you do the math linking inexperienced quarterbacks with their #1 tight end’s production, let me know, because I don’t feel like doing it, but I would bet my cat that there would be a positive correlation there.
RB, Donald Brown, IND – With starting RB Joseph Addai and backup RB Mike Hart both banged up, Colts coach Jim Caldwell has stated that Brown will see a dramatic increase of touches in week nine. Fantasy players should also take note that “dramatic increase of touches” is now officially included on the list of “Phrases that are extremely creepy when spoken outside of fantasy football.”
RB, Marcel Reece, OAK – It’s hard to fathom the fact that another RB in the Raiders backfield can be considered a viable fantasy option, but after catching three passes for 90 yards and a touchdown in week eight to go with his 11 FP performance in week seven, its clear that coach Tom Cable is finding ways to put the football in Reece’s hands, and French fries into his own mouth.
Funny Caption Only a Football Fan Would Get:
“Great job 0084. Now remember, when you get to Tennessee, it’s the same plan: place the playbook in a sealed envelope with no return address, and mail it to…..”
Week Eight “Un-Googleable Trivia” Question
This past week, the WFAN Boomer and Carton Morning Show featured a segment called “Do You Know More Sports than a Hot Girl Who Just Turned 21.” The contestant on the show, Ali, answered 9 out of 10 questions correctly. What was the question she answered incorrectly?
Answer: The question that hot Ali could not answer correctly was “Who leads the Giants in rushing TDs this season?” Ali answered Eli Manning, but RB Brandon Jacobs was the correct answer, with five.
The week eight “Un-Googleable Trivia” winner is Brian Garber, an elementary school psychologist residing in Wilmington, Delaware, and proud husband and father of two. Formerly of Long Island, Garber’s most notable fantasy accomplishment occurred when he was in 7th grade: he and an accomplice convinced their school to fund a “fantasy club” because it would “reinforce math and economic skills”. Well done, good sir.
Each week, the “Un-Googleable Trivia” winner from the prior week will face-off against me in a head-to-head fantasy matchup. The only rule is that we cannot draft obvious picks: players who are currently ranked in the top-five in fantasy points for their respective position. Me being the “professional” of the two, I have allowed my opponent to draft his entire team first. Now, without further adieu, let’s do this!!
QB: Tom Brady, NE – “Should have plenty of chances vs. the Browns.”
QB: Eli Manning, NYG – “I know Seattle’s at home and that scares me, but only a little-he’s been too hot to ignore.”
RB: Michael Turner, ATL – “He’s like a better LeGarrett Blount.”
LeSean McCoy, PHI – “I just let a friend talk me out of Forte. I fully expect you to pick him.”
WR: Reggie Wayne, IND – “Safe and effective.”
WR: Greg Jennings, GB – “Coming on strong 3 weeks in a row, no Driver wasting targets, and if MSW can do it. .”
TE: Jason Witten, DAL – In my stat books Witten is currently ranked 4th, but I’ll allow this one.
TE: Visanthe Shiancoe – “I’ll probably want to punch Brett Favre in his cell phone photos after this one.”
D/ST: Saints – “Kinda wish I had the guts to take the Bills instead to feast on Cutler…but I don’t.”
K: Mason Crosby, GB – “I really wish kickers were eliminated from fantasy football. Even better, replace them with Team Unit Offensive Line
Team “Take out the Garberage”
QB: Matt Ryan, ATL – In his short career, Ryan is 16-1 with a 95.2 rating at home, and he’s hot right now.
QB: Joe Flacco, BAL – Averaged 24.5 FP in last two games, including on the road against the Pats. His opponent, the Dolphins, are spotty against the pass and have key secondary injuries.
RB: Matt Forte, CHI – Garber should have listened to his friend – he will pay dearly.
RB: LaDainian Tomlinson, NYJ- Detroit is putrid against RBs, and I’m predicting a big rebound for LT.
WR: Anquan Boldin, BAL – Went into his bye week strong, and I’m looking to double up on Flacco.
WR: Miles Austin, DAL – I’m a big “targets” guy, and Austin continues to get plenty (12 last week).
TE: Jacob Tamme, IND – Displayed good hands and athleticism in starting debut: Peyton’s got his number.
TE: Benjamin Watson, CLE – Cleveland’s receivers are all banged up, and Watson has been the guy.
D/ST: Giants – Seahawks QB Hasselbeck is out, WR Williams is hurt, RB Lynch is a Neanderthal. No brainer.
K: Robbie Gould, CHI – I see this game being a barn-burner, and Gould has got the leg to keep up
Week Nine “Un-Googleable Trivia” Question
In the movie “Any Given Sunday,” which character informed linebacker Luther “shark” Lavay, played by former New York Giants great Lawrence Taylor, that QB Willie Beaman was talking smack about the defense, all while in Lavay’s own crib? Oh snap
If you think you know the “Un-Googleable” answer, email it to JCarrajat@wfan.com. The first respondent to answer correctly will get to compete against me in next week’s column.