A young professional’s take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.
In very important news, an adorable Grey Seal appeared on the shores of the Hudson up around the George Washington Bridge last week, seemingly to just hang out. I think seals are super cute, and I’m fairly certain there are no Orca whales lurking in the river waiting for a seal-based snack, so I am very happy for her stay here as long as she likes. However, I cannot condone all these seal puns. I do not give her my “seal of approval,” and however coincidental the timing, I sincerely doubt she is a “Navy SEAL.” Restrain yourselves, please. This seal is way too hip for this type of behavior.
She seems like she’d do pretty well around here. She happily suns herself and allows onlookers to admire her presence but thwacks her fins on the sand to warn overly avid photographers–much in the manner of a West Village celebrity dining al fresco. We can and really should see her, but we can’t act like we see her. Be cool. She has a sassy Twitter feed, which is the key to fame for New York wildlife. She’s a savvy self-marketer. With the Bronx Zoo snake temporarily silenced, @UptownSeal clearly saw her chance. Plus, she started working on her tan like the second the warm weather hit the city. That’s hot.
Her arrival is noteworthy, but at the end of the day she’s got a story much like many of the out-of-towners who arrive in Manhattan with nothing but a mackerel and a dream. According to a relatively lazy Wikipedia search, the Grey Seal is native to coastal waters from Canada all the way down to New Jersey. There are some particularly heavy seal communities in Maine and Massachusetts, and as happens so often with New Englanders, this seal decided to shed her Puritan roots and give New York a try (but her Sox loyalty is unflinching). It’s not uncommon in springtime for young seals who have recently been weened to wash up on strange shores after becoming lost, which is unsettling at first, but she’ll be okay. She’ll find a couple of nice girls who are looking for a new roommate to live in their converted three-bedroom apartment in Washington Heights. They’ll introduce her to their friends and she’ll start to branch out on her own a little, going on dates here and there with guys she meets in the laundry room or out fishing. She’ll join the gym around the corner and hit it off with one of the swim instructors, maybe decide to moonlight as a teacher in the evenings. Soon enough, she’ll have a nice little life she’s created for herself and it’ll feel like it sprang up out of nothing.
Her Twitter feed will gain steadily in popularity and she’ll one day realize she’s sitting on a goldmine. She’ll work extra-hard at it for a few months until her followers hit 150,000+, and then she’ll get herself an agent who will negotiate a book deal and TV pilot based on her unusual life and her well-crafted 140 character witticisms. Sealed With a Kiss will go on to be a major bestseller in hardcover and paperback, though the show will flounder after a lukewarm reception. She’ll make millions touring the country on the lecture circuit inspiring audiences of men, women, children and Pinnipeds everywhere with her tale of perseverance, independence and courage. The end.
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