Keidel: Fenway Failure

By Jason Keidel
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Sometimes life just gives a gift…

I was ready to rip Reyes for pulling himself from that game, and then shred a writer who gutted my hero Walter Payton a decade after his death.

But then I heard that morbid groan gaining down I-95, the sound of a city’s soul collapsing – the death cry of Red Sox Nation. The clouds are covering the NE Corridor as I write this, the acid rain of a rancid pain. To paraphrase Robert Duval, it smells like…victory.

In January NESN – the home network of the Red Sox and resident shill – said the 2011 team would eclipse the 1927 Yankees as the best team of all-time. Look it up, my friends.

On April 7, I wrote a column calling the Red Sox season over just as it began because they were 0-5, noting that no team starting so ever won the World Series. Then the Red Sox made me look much the moron over the next four months, soaring to the top of the American League, 30 games over .500 in August, while the objects shriveled in their rearview mirror, presumably leaving the League vaporized until October.

Then they remembered they were the Red Sox, that despite the two titles last decade, they still have the spirit of their ancestors, an ancient mandate, a different kind of gag order.

I kept my hopes stuffed in my back pocket, in case the Red Sox survived this September belch before it became a titanic choke. Thank you, Boston. You won’t need the immortal Bruce Chen, after all.

There’s only one Mariano Rivera, and Boston learned that last night. How fitting that their prized procurement (Crawford) and their heretofore unhittable closer (Papelbon) surrendered the ninth, the night, and the season, for whatever reason.

Sure, we want the Yanks to finish the deal, and assume their familiar place on the perch of champions. But, frankly, I can live if they don’t because Boston can’t. Yeah, it’s like that. My complete contempt for the Sox – for all things New England, from Bahston to Hahvad to Ben Affleck to Bill Belichick – is so pronounced, that their failure is our success.

We don’t have to hear the group hug from our buddies in Bristol while they bristle at a collapse not even the Worldwide Leader can comprehend. The aftershocks of this quake tremble from ESPN to Joe Buck to Tim McCarver – all of whom detest the Yankees and are forced to cover contests sans their Red Sox Snuggies.

Boston couldn’t beat Baltimore, a tattered team playing for little more than provincial pride. Let’s tip our caps to our former skipper, Buck Showalter, who had his boys playing with the passion of Lombardi’s Packers when nothing was on the line.

No, 2011 doesn’t erase our wretched gag in 2004, but it made me sleep like a newborn last night. Nothing short of the apocalypse can make this a bad day. Even Mets fans can rejoice in Atlanta’s meltdown. Let’s do a PC, palms-down, tomahawk chop for our pals Ted and Jane.

And if Boston can’t find this middle finger, I raise two for you, straight from the Big Apple, with love. Pahk your cah near the bah and drink this nightmare away, while your big brothers in the Bronx play the very games you were assured until your tone deaf, 7-19 September Song, vomiting a 9-game lead to a Tampa team with a tiny ($41 million) payroll.

We can worry about Verlander tomorrow. Today, let’s hold hands, sing a song, because…ding-dong…the witch is dead. Sometimes life just gives a gift….

Feel free to email me:

  • MM

    So how are those Yankees doing now???? LOSERS can’t pull it off either.

  • flea

    I am a yankee fan in central connecticut… much for that “dynasty” up there in boston….2 championships in 92 years……..LMAO

    • JK

      Heh. Tell ’em, flea. We got your back.

  • Paul D

    Nothing like the smell of napalm and mimosa in the morning! It must be bad chowder. They thought that they were gone after sweeping the Yanks back in June. But no matter what they tried they just could not shake their hated rivals. Time and again, during the year, they’d find that hated Clipper Deisel parked in first place right in their way. ’27 yankees indeed! They’re not even the ’08 Mets!! Poor, poor, poor Sawx fans. There’ll be no joy in Soiuthie for a little while to come.

    • JK

      And we won’t hear those wretched accents until next spring, Paul. Live is lovely!

  • Jonas A-K

    As a Mets fan, I wrote the other day that no matter what happened, the collapses of the Braves and the Red Sox would never be as devastating as what happened to our 2007 team. After watching the baseball euphoria that unfolded, I’ve gotta say – those guys are definitely pretty devastated. And it feels great.

    • JK

      As you know, bud, I say their suffering is our success. Their pain, our gain!

    • Jonas A-K

      Sorry, didn’t mean to post twice – the first time it didn’t show up, but then it did. My bad!

  • Jonas A-K

    As a Mets fan, I wrote the other day that no matter what happened, the collapses of the Braves and the Red Sox would never be as devastating as what happened to our 2007 team. After watching the baseball euphoria that unfolded, I’ve gotta say – those guys are definitely pretty devastated. And it feels great.

    David Ortiz said that this was worse than 2003. Of course he can say that, because after 2003 was 2004. In fact, I think it’s because of 2004 that this year must hurt so badly for that hypocritical Red Sox Nation. After living vicariously through ’04 for the past seven years, Sox fans just got a shock to the solar plexus and now they have no choice but to take it out on Cahl Crahfud for the next six years.

    The ad below the comment box is for “How To Be A Gentleman,” a new laugh-tracked show on CBS that looks just awful. But maybe I’m wrong – I’ll ask the Red Sox to tell me how it is, since they’ve got all this free time and the rest of us will be busy watching postseason baseball.

  • Robert Richardson

    I pray the baseball gods grant Yankee Universe a cherry on top of the 2011 season with ring number 28, omg nothing would be sweeter. Yanks must win the championship for their crash and our season to be relevant. Remember the anxiety we all felt over the BoSox’s recent domination and the prospect of meeting them in the playoffs. We Yanks are at risk of falling into the “BoSox Syndrome” if all we can take away from the 2011 season is their own self induced collapse. What is the “BoSox Syndrome” you may ask? It is a syndrome of living vicariously through someone else’s identity. I can think of no other franchise in any sport that has no self image. To be correct their identity is defined by the mammoth historical domination by their nemesis “The Evil Empire”. Yankee Universe is still shaking off the vestiges of the 2004 … “encounter”. It has defined the Yanks – BoSox relationship for the last seven years. The 2009 championship was the first step in the long road back from our own collapse. A ring this year would go a long way to close the door on that dark moment in Yankeeography. If not then we are at risk to fall in to our own syndrome. Yankee Universe is way above that.

    • JK

      We wouldn’t be human, bud, if we didn’t rejoice in the enemy’s angst. We can focus on the playoffs tomorrow, while popping the bubbly today. Let Boston burn while we roast marshmallows over the smoldering Sox.

  • Karen from New York

    The best article yet!! Tell it like it is, dude. Thanks for saying what we’re all thinking!!!

  • Joanie From Queens

    Reading this column made me realize what a big, big phony I am. I felt bad for my Boston relatives and offered them my sincere condolences this morning, and then I read this column and cackled like a naughty school girl. Oh, it’s a great day to be a Yankee fan (in spite of Scott Proctor). Great work, Jason

  • pugphan

    The Rays should say: “Thank You!” Well done Joe, great sacrifice to stick it to the
    Bosucks! smokersodysseycom

    • JK

      Preach, pug!

  • Kurt Spitzner


  • Kurt Spitzner


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