Nina In New York: The New Apocalypse Is All Around Us
A young professional's take on the trials and tribulations of everyday life in New York City.
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By Nina Pajak
Oh, fudge. Friday was the Rapture again. I missed it, did anyone set their DVR by any chance?
Left scratching his head over this past May's "the world didn't end" debacle, apocalypse-obsessed Harold Camping went back to the drawing board. My bad, my bad, he said. It's actually probably going to be October 21, 2011. I'm pretty sure. But definitely, like, maybe. End of the world. Destruction of the universe. Be there, or be annihilated.*
*No refunds.
He did admit this time around that perhaps his grandiose vision of the end of days was all mixed up, and there may not be any lava spewing forth from beneath the earth, or fireballs hurled down from the heavens, or trees becoming animate and eating people, or some joke about "Whitney" blah blah blah, because I'm behind on that making jokes about "Whitney" thing.
Actually, what he really said was this: "As warrior angels descend from the heavens to feast on the entrails of your babies, take comfort in knowing that after their bones have been picked clean, and their screams of anguish have turned to gurgles of blood and despair, a better life awaits them."
Nice guy. Pardon me while I pause to retch.
Not this time. This time, Camping suggested that maybe this time around, the Rapture would come all quiet-like and sneaky. Said one of his Family Radio representatives: "More than 'thy rod and thy staff,' it seems that the Lord operates more bureaucratically," said a spokesperson for Family Stations. "I guess you could look at it more from the perspective of 'thy clipboard and thy form in triplicate.'
So in the grand tradition of hedging one's bets, Camping came up with a new vision which involves non-believers quietly dropping dead, or something like that, and points to the financial ruin in the U.S. and its gay-loving friends over in Europe as a clear sign that the end is nigh. I mean, as he points out, why do you think the Middle Eastern neighbors are doing okay fiscally when Western Europe is defaulting all over the plizzace? He explains. "Because, as Iran's president said, they have no gays there. I mean, Greece practically invented gay. And America's political system is based on the ramblings of Plato, so our entire foundation is gay."
That explains why Iran is always topping the Travel Channel's list of 50 Most Ridiculously Luxurious Places to Live, and all those end-of-the-year "Best Infratructure" lists. No gays! I get it. Unfortunately, they still adhere to Islam and not Christianity, so no points will be awarded.
You would think that being wrong three times now would mean that we will have heard the last from Harold Camping and his bummerish ways. But while he can't get his dates right, he finally got his story straight. As long as bad things keep happening in this world—essentially, as long as people keep being people and nature keeps being nature—we're all on Camping's schedule.
Until, of course, he runs up against the Mayans in 2012, at which point there shall be a Battle Royale.
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Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I'm always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.
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