Nina In New York: Happy Holiday Drinking! New Drug Apparently Cures Hangovers

Ah, the holidays. It’s a time for seasonal cheer, festive decor, reckless spending, family squabbles, enormous crowds, time management problems, year-end pressure at work, weight struggles, oh! And drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. Can you blame a girl?

I mean, talk about setting ourselves up for failure. In a three-week period we experience monumental stress, we’re running around like headless chickens trying to buy gifts (the good ones, not the “I got everyone the same exact decoupage wall clock!” ones), decorate, see long-lost friends “before the end of the year,” plan travel, take vacation days, not get fired, not gain twenty pounds, host gatherings (more on this another time), bake cookies (or at least intensively research recipes before deciding to screw it and bake nothing), and still fit in all the everyday stuff like personal hygiene, laundry, eyebrow shape maintenance, and sleeping. Sprinkle in a million party invitations, and you’ve got a recipe for heavy drinking. Hooray!

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Unfortunately, many of these parties happen on weekdays and we cannot spend an extra ten hours sleeping off our regrets (though I’m not sure a month spent in a coma could make up for how stupid you feel for getting hammered and taking a slug at your uncle/trying to kiss your cousin you haven’t seen in ten years/telling your boss and his wife that you’ve always suspected he’s gay). But for all physical after-effects of alcohol, there’s finally an answer. Maybe.

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It’s called “Blowfish,” and it’s apparently the hangover cure we’ve all been waiting for. While it hasn’t officially been approved by the FDA, it is composed entirely of FDA-approved drugs and substances, which is really like the next-best thing. Just take two tablets, plop in water and fizz, and drink the magic juice that will allegedly make your dreams come true. Or you know, your headache go away. According to their website, each tablet contains: 500 mg aspirin, 60 mg caffeine, plus other sciencey-sounding things like Acesulfame Potassium, Anhydrous Citric Acid, Aspartame, Docusate Sodium, Flavors, Mannitol, Povidone, Sodium Benzoate, Sodium Bicarbonate.

Mmmm, flavors.

I haven’t tried it yet, but you’d better believe I plan to. If it works, it would cut down my hangover ritual by quite a volume of liquid and calories. You see, I’ve been working on my own little cure cocktail (ha ha), consisting of the following, in order:

1. Immediately upon waking (or ASAP), consume a bottle of coconut water, plain flavor, any brand.

2. Go to brunch. This is difficult, but it is important if you are to see the cure through to completion.

3. Order eggs benedict or a similarly eggy, bready dish.

4. Drink no fewer than five (5) glasses of water.

5. Drink two (2) to four (4) cups of coffee, depending on size of mug.

6. Have a Bloody Mary.

7. All fixed!

It’s not the most elegant solution, but it’s taken years of field research to get to this point. However, it does result in quite a number of trips to the bathroom, as one might imagine, and I acknowledge that there’s room for improvement here. I eagerly await word of Blowfish’s efficacy and look forward to conducting a very scientific study comparing the two using . . . uh . . . the scientific method. Yes. Precisely.


One Comment

  1. Uncle Tom says:

    I wish you a merry grave yard , I wish you a merry grave yard.And a Happy New Tombstone 😀

  2. Uncle Tom says:

    Despite the fact that alot of people drink alcohol, but Aspirin, Caffeine AND ASPARTAM = POISON 1-st CLASS 😀

  3. Meme Meyagi says:

    what is done about 7 million mooslime terrorists living in usa?

  4. I can guarantee says:

    that every 21+ year old in manhattan will have this stuff in their pocket, knapsack, bag, purse or whatever in a few weeks. This will be as popular as the iphone. It doesn’t work a lick but it doesn’t matter either. They’re gonna think it does and it’s “new” and it’s something they can “own” for their generation. This will be as hot as a firecracker. They’re gonna love this. I only wish I thought of it first. MONEY FOR NOTHIN’. love it.

  5. Bryan J. Maloney says:

    You have “discovered” fizzy Anacin. Anacin is aspirin and caffeine.

    1. sigusmunt Kreusz says:

      Exactly what I was going to say. It doesn’t work, either.

  6. KSU Alum says:

    I’ve found that oral rehydration salts – of the sort you might find in the first aid section of REI, the sort I keep in my wilderness first aid kit – mixed with water provide a monstrously effective anti-hangover potion…

  7. Robert Dole says:

    It’s Alka-Seltzer with a little caffeine added. Nothing new, but a definite marketing triumph; I’m seeing it all over the place in blogs and newspaper columns.

  8. susan says:

    Meh. Snake oil. Caffeine, vitamin C, aspirin (which, actually, was never officially FDA approved- it was just “grandfathered in” when the FDA was created because aspirin had been around for so long). Nothing new here folks- just a headache remedy, an espresso, and a flintstone vitamin rolled into one money-making scam.
    Once the symptom-causing dehydration and toxin overload from impurities in the alcohol kicked in, the only “cure” for a hangover is oral or IV rehydration, emitrol for the tummy and well…an aspirin!

  9. Jello says:

    Aspartame = NutraSweet.

  10. DebbieDowner says:

    Can you blame a girl? Unfortunately, no matter how cute you attempt to sound, yes, I can blame you for what you decide to put into your body. You drink too much and suffer the consequences. It is 100% your fault, and you are the only one to blame for drinking an amount of alcohol that makes you feel poorly the next day.

    Here is the real hangover cure: Don’t drink.

    1. Carol says:

      You really are Debbie Downer

  11. Carol says:

    I prefer Hangover Hater which is full of vitamins and no OTC drugs. Champagne gives me the worst headaches but when I take this I have no problems the next morning. I’m sure the over the counter version, when it is available, will be quite pricey.

  12. Kyle Jordan says:

    um… no. “While it hasn’t officially been approved by the FDA, it is composed entirely of FDA-approved drugs and substances, which is really like the next-best thing.”
    Here are some other things that weren’t approved by the FDA that had a bunch of “sciency” sounding stuff. Ephedrine, Ecstasy, Cocaine, Crystal Meth, and RADIUM.
    That last one is what is used to make home made atomic bombs. Heroin was once taught it brings buoyancy to the mind clears thoughts away for a good night sleep. I’ll wait till some one a little more “sciency” gives me some real research.

    1. Wonky says:

      Sorry buddy, but you left out one critical element: COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF FDA-APPROVED DRUGS

      I do not believe MDMA, Speed, Cocaine, etc are composed of FDA-approved drugs, sciency-sounding names aside. Stop being such a fear monger.

      1. Don't Panic says:

        Yes, you can mix any random FDA approved drugs together with no danger of ill effects

  13. Bobby B. Bobberson says:

    Or you could just take the safer route and use illegal drugs instead, since none of them turns you into a fat, blubbering, belligerent moron but alcohol.

    1. Kyle Jordan says:

      True, they do have a tendancy to make you dead however.

      1. Michael H. says:

        Nobody has ever in recorded history overdosed on cannabis.

        1. Potter says:

          No, but I see a lot of pot heads that might as well be dead since their brains have ceased to function.

  14. Minnesodad says:

    This is nothing new. These products have been around for almost a decade. Personally I prefer coconut water and a banana before bed if I’ve had a long night. It’s worked for 15 years.

    1. Me Like says:

      your friends,

      Tarzan and Cheetah

  15. Bobby B. Bobberson says:

    It’s called ‘water’ but it won’t stop these people from profiting off money spent by absolute morons.

    Try it yourself if you don’t believe me. Get super drunk, drink half a bottle of vodka, then drink a glass or two of water before you finally pass out.

    No hangover. No additional money spent.

    1. huh? says:

      where can i buy this “magic drink” you speak of?

  16. K says:

    So, take an aspirin, drink some coffee, and skip all the “sciency sounding” things – which are just artificial sweeteners, things to make it taste tart, and other binders.

    Learn to look up ingredients – basically Blowfish sounds like Alka Seltzer for a new generation.

  17. Ed Howard says:

    Or you could just easily skip to step 6 and repeat step 6 as many times as necessary.

  18. BIG GAY AL says:


Comments are closed.

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