Ah, the holidays. It’s a time for seasonal cheer, festive decor, reckless spending, family squabbles, enormous crowds, time management problems, year-end pressure at work, weight struggles, oh! And drinking. Lots and lots of drinking. Can you blame a girl?
I mean, talk about setting ourselves up for failure. In a three-week period we experience monumental stress, we’re running around like headless chickens trying to buy gifts (the good ones, not the “I got everyone the same exact decoupage wall clock!” ones), decorate, see long-lost friends “before the end of the year,” plan travel, take vacation days, not get fired, not gain twenty pounds, host gatherings (more on this another time), bake cookies (or at least intensively research recipes before deciding to screw it and bake nothing), and still fit in all the everyday stuff like personal hygiene, laundry, eyebrow shape maintenance, and sleeping. Sprinkle in a million party invitations, and you’ve got a recipe for heavy drinking. Hooray!
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Unfortunately, many of these parties happen on weekdays and we cannot spend an extra ten hours sleeping off our regrets (though I’m not sure a month spent in a coma could make up for how stupid you feel for getting hammered and taking a slug at your uncle/trying to kiss your cousin you haven’t seen in ten years/telling your boss and his wife that you’ve always suspected he’s gay). But for all physical after-effects of alcohol, there’s finally an answer. Maybe.
It’s called “Blowfish,” and it’s apparently the hangover cure we’ve all been waiting for. While it hasn’t officially been approved by the FDA, it is composed entirely of FDA-approved drugs and substances, which is really like the next-best thing. Just take two tablets, plop in water and fizz, and drink the magic juice that will allegedly make your dreams come true. Or you know, your headache go away. According to their website, each tablet contains: 500 mg aspirin, 60 mg caffeine, plus other sciencey-sounding things like Acesulfame Potassium, Anhydrous Citric Acid, Aspartame, Docusate Sodium, Flavors, Mannitol, Povidone, Sodium Benzoate, Sodium Bicarbonate.
I haven’t tried it yet, but you’d better believe I plan to. If it works, it would cut down my hangover ritual by quite a volume of liquid and calories. You see, I’ve been working on my own little cure cocktail (ha ha), consisting of the following, in order:
1. Immediately upon waking (or ASAP), consume a bottle of coconut water, plain flavor, any brand.
2. Go to brunch. This is difficult, but it is important if you are to see the cure through to completion.
3. Order eggs benedict or a similarly eggy, bready dish.
4. Drink no fewer than five (5) glasses of water.
5. Drink two (2) to four (4) cups of coffee, depending on size of mug.
7. All fixed!
It’s not the most elegant solution, but it’s taken years of field research to get to this point. However, it does result in quite a number of trips to the bathroom, as one might imagine, and I acknowledge that there’s room for improvement here. I eagerly await word of Blowfish’s efficacy and look forward to conducting a very scientific study comparing the two using . . . uh . . . the scientific method. Yes. Precisely.