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Nina In New York: In Space, No One Can Tell How Old You Are

(credit: vitalelements.org)

(credit: vitalelements.org)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.
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By Nina Pajak

NASA: It’s not just for space-type stuff anymore!

From the people who brought you the moon landing, astronaut ice cream, and the International Space Station comes a whole new thing: anti-aging juice.

Yes, folks, you read that right. A so-called “space drink” called AS10 has been proven in lab tests to dramatically reduce damage and aging effects on the skin. According to the New York Daily News, Research conducted at the University of Utah showed that after four months of drinking a serving a day, UV spots were reduced by 30% and wrinkles by 17%. Think of it as just like Tang, except instead of being gross, it reduces wrinkles and other signs of ageing. Oh, well it may still be gross. But it seems highly unlikely based on its contents.

The drink was developed by the scientists at AmeriSciences. Here’s what their website states in regards to ingredients:

“AS10 is a unique blend of 10 key fruits and vegetables that truly tastes great. Featuring the next generation of Super Fruit from the Brazilian rainforest, Cupuaçu, as well as the proven marketable and beneficial Açai, Acerola, Prickly Pear and Yum Berry, AS10 takes these, the best of the Super Fruits, and combines them with the five top natural ingredients from our joint research with NASA/JSC. Together they form the perfect 10 inside AS10.”

Yum Berries! Are those like Crunch Berries? That would make some sense. I’ve never thought about it until now, but I did look awfully youthful back in my Crunch Berry days.

In addition to that mix of magical space-fruit, AS10′s power is derived from a very special blend of nutrients, vitamins, antioxidants, phytowhatsiwhosits, flava orbs, ribocandies, wrinkle-free scotch guard, skinweed, plutonium, schnozberries, funroot oil, eye of newt, ox blood, and natural flavoring. As if Yum Berries didn’t provide flavor enough!

Side effects include rash, skin dryness, blurred vision, anal leakage, and the rare instance of an alien fetus implanting and gestating in your stomach and subsequently hatching forth from your abdomen, disemboweling you in the process. Should you experience any of these symptoms, consult your doctor.

A case of four bottles goes for $156 on the AmeriSciences website, though they’re currently out of stock. I’d love to get my hands on some and rub it all over my face. I mean, drink it until I look like I’m sixteen again.

It makes me wonder whether the space stations are filled with gorgeous astronauts who look decades younger than they really are. I always imagined a slightly dowdier, more “I’m a scientist who pees in a space suit so I don’t really care if you think I’m sexy” kind of crowd. Then again, think about it: Carrie Fisher, Sigourney Weaver, that lady in Star Trek, Kevin Bacon in Apollo 13, the Martian dressed like a hot chick in Mars Attacks—they were all suspiciously taut, weren’t they?

If only I’d applied myself more in math and science as a child. Instead of growing grey-faced and wan in front of a computer screen, I could be out hog-tying aliens and looking fabulous while I do it! The things they don’t teach you in school could fill a book.

Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I’m always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.

Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.

The Nina In New York Archives:

NYC Restaurant Introduces World’s Most Expensive Burger

Summertime To-Do List

Never Look At An Irrelevant Billboard Again

Apartment Hunting Horror Stories

Make That A Quadruple Espresso

Mealbreakers I Have Known