A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.

By Nina Pajak

Have you heard the one about the zombie apocalypse? Apparently, we’re on the brink of a zombie apocalypse.

Ha ha. No, really.

First, an insane naked man attacked a homeless guy and ate his face off  like a rabid wolf in Miami. Then, in a shocking act of physical fortitude, another insane man stabbed himself and cut off pieces of his skin and intestines and hurled them at police. On Thursday, another story emerged out of Baltimore about a college student who killed his housemate, stashed his body in pieces, and has admitted to eating part of the victim’s heart and . . . you got it: brains.

Wait, sorry. I spelled that incorrectly. BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS.

This made Friday’s story about a man biting another man’s ear at a Staten Island diner pale in comparison.

Regardless, The Internet says perhaps these weren’t madmen at all. Perhaps this is an entirely new (though not unanticipated) problem.

Perhaps, finally, after so many books and movies and tongue-in-cheek survival guides, the zombie apocalypse is upon us. It’s funny until it makes you want to throw up and hide under the covers.

Read More: CDC Offers Tips On How To Survive Zombie Apocalypse

I’ll be honest. I’m still skeptical. And I do hope this new viral trend dies down soon, because all it really does is bring to the top of the fold some of the most gruesome, horrifically violent crimes I’ve ever read. It’s making me sick. In fact, just the other night I dreamed I was watching a movie, and in the movie a man tears off the skin of his sleeping friends, then tears off his own skin and covers them all with it. I think it was a detective flick. There were several complicated plot twists and a few contextual flashbacks to explain the motive. In the end, they get the guy. Don’t worry.

True story. Coming soon to a nightmare near you.

Can’t we be having, like, a puppy infestation or something? How about an influx of news stories about a rash of hamburglaries or drive-by mariachi band serenadings? Maybe it can start raining gummy bears or balls of fresh mozzarella.

I just can’t take this one anymore. I’ll be in my bed until it blows over, hiding from zombie humanoids and watching The Little Mermaid over and over again until I’m fairly certain my dreams will only contain spirited musical numbers performed by sundry aquatic creatures.

Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I’m always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.

Nina Pajak is a writer and publishing professional living with her husband on the Upper West Side.

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