Nina In New York: This Robot Runs Faster Than Usain Bolt (Video Included)
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.
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By Nina Pajak
Did you hear the one about the Pentagon-funded robot that can outrun any human being on the planet (including you, Usain Bolt, you lovable rascal)?
They're calling it the Cheetah, though it sort of looks more like a short version of one of those robot elephant things in The Empire Strikes Back.
Take a look:
While it is now tethered and running on an external engine, it's only a matter of time before they make the necessary improvements and she gets cut loose into the world, ostensibly free to chase down criminals on foot and cause hilarious mayhem in the course of making the record-breaking 7-11 runs for bored DoD employees. Or perhaps she's destined for something even more devious! That's as far as my mind goes. I'm not suited for government work.
The robot is being designed by Boston Dynamics, but is a project for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA). You may remember them from such other wacky, shadowy projects you've never heard of as "shape-shifting matter," "cars for blind people," and "cyborg insects." As if there weren't enough bugs in this world, now we have to worry about robot West Nile, too.
Never thought the Pentagon had a sense of humor, did you? Well, they probably don't. These ideas are serious as a crushed trachea, which by the way they're working on being able to induce by simply making a choking motion with one's hand in front of an enemy's throat and making a really scary, intent face. Also, cool face masks for the evil and disfigured!
Boston Dynamics has already successfully created the "BigDog" robot, a loveable, headless, giant metal pup who can carry heavy stuff, trot tirelessly alongside soldiers in the field, negotiate uneven terrain, sit, stay, lie down, fetch the paper, play dead, go weewee outside only!!!, and love unconditionally. Watch it in action in this rather creepy yet somehow also endearing video. I found myself genuinely upset when it gets kicked in the side. I mean really, what did BigDog ever do to that guy? Stupid showoff jerk.
I'm holding out for the robotic giant baby panda. THEY'RE SO CUTE AND SQUISHY. And we could use them to, like, I don't know, poop coal or eat human flesh or something.
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Dear Readers: While I am rarely at a loss for words, I'm always grateful for column ideas. Please feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
The Nina In New York Archives:
That Time I Tried To Get Gas In N.J.
Back To School Shopping Never Goes Out Of Style
A Fond Look Back At The Cultural Contributions Of 'Jersey Shore'
In A Crutch Fight, Everybody Wins
