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Nina In New York: Why I Won’t Upgrade My iPhone iOs

An iPhone 5 is displayed at the Apple Store in Munich on September 21, 2012 as the latest generation iPhone goes on sale today. (Photo credit: CHRISTOF STACHE/AFP/GettyImages)

An iPhone 5 is displayed at the Apple Store in Munich on September 21, 2012 as the latest generation iPhone goes on sale today. (Photo credit: CHRISTOF STACHE/AFP/GettyImages)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.
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By Nina Pajak

Oh, Apple. You are very sneaky indeed.

You already got me once. I resisted for as long as I could, and then I gave in to Siri’s siren song. I’ve been an iPhone user for months now, and with the small matter of a certain robotic assistant’s homicide now out of the way, I’d say I’m 80% happy. Your power cords and battery life are frustratingly short, your camera is serviceable, but you look cool and move with great speed and freeze very seldom.

In short, I like you. You’re okay.

152459067 Nina In New York: Why I Wont Upgrade My iPhone iOs

The line outside the Apple store on Fifth Avenue as the new iPhone 5 is delivered on September 21, 2012 in New York. (Photo credit: DON EMMERT/AFP/GettyImages)

But don’t get all puffed up about it. I’m not going to run out and wait in line for three days to get the new version which would make all of my charging equipment obsolete. I’m not going to get all hysterical about the latest and greatest, developing an inferiority complex for having a 4S when I should now have a 5. Everyone who’s anyone has a 5! No. I didn’t have an inferiority complex when I still had a BlackBerry, though many people assured me that I ought to. All I had then was a poorly functioning phone. Now I have a pretty decent phone and a stigma.

But Apple has planned for non-compliant folks like me. Shun our scheme to force people to buy and abandon expensive hardware every single year, huh? Remain satisfied with a slightly outdated product despite the fact that the new one is shiny and new and not old, eh? Well, we shall see about that.

We’ll make you download an entirely new operating system onto your phone. And how will we do it? By putting a little red circle on top of your “settings” icon, indicated that you have an update to which you have not attended. That little red circle is enough to drive a person crazy. My goal in life (well, one of them) since getting the iPhone is to eradicate all little red circles. App updates, unplayed games of Scramble, unread mail or text messages, news headlines—I will blindly download and and play and read them all just so I don’t have to stare at a screen blighted with  a pox of nagging little red circles.

And I almost did it. But then I consulted my friend the Internet, who gave me some very interesting information.

1. It appears as though the software update in large part has to do with Apple’s grand plan to detach from Google Maps and foist upon everyone their own maps.

2. Apple maps suck.

Observe:

http://theamazingios6maps.tumblr.com/post/32188663385

and:

http://www.theverge.com/2012/9/20/3363914/wrong-turn-apple-ios-6-maps-phone-5-buggy-complaints

Actually, they’re pretty hilarious. One example shows the turn-by-turn directions leading someone to drive several blocks on a railroad track. Hey, you wanted the fastest route, not the least deadly. Several others display water where there isn’t, or fields where there is water. A few have eradicated major buildings in cities. Many misplace entire populaces, relocating them to other parts of their countries. Some make it look like the whole world is melting, and Will Smith is about to pull up in an old Civic to help rescue you and get you to a safe place where the human race can repopulate.

Nice try, Apple. Thanks again, Internet.