A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York.

By Nina Pajak

I guess we need to talk about LiLo.

Sigh. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Honestly, I was. The fruit, it hangs too low. And it’s bitter and tastes like week-old vodka and sort of looks like it could use a shower. (Sorry.)

Photos: Lindsay Lohan’s New Old Look

Listen, she has some serious problems. And I think that after a (maybe/not) hit-and-run incident and an assault allegation, it’s clear that poor Lindsay Lohan just doesn’t fare well in our city.

It’s not a new story. In fact, it’s as old as Times Square.

Sweet young girl becomes adorable child star. Child star grows into beautiful, hyper-sexualized teenager. Teenager has questionable parental influence, grows into substance-dependent young woman who has a knack for wrecking cars and being on the losing end of brushes with the law. Young woman comes to New York City from a little town out in Californ-i-a called Los Angeles with nothing but $80 million dollars in her bank account and a dream in her heart and a flask and a few baggies of various things and a variety of prescriptions in her purse to make it big in the city that never sleeps. The bright lights of Broad Way. The Big Apple. The city so nice, they named it twice. Of course, they all warned her back home. That city’ll eat you up and spit you out! The big city changes people, honey. Stay home where it’s safe and warm and the people are kind. You’ll always have a job at the Dairy Queen if you change your mind. Be sure to write! Remember us when you get more famous but forget us if you get arrested again.

With the cash she can scrape together, the young woman installs herself in a fifth floor walk-up studio in Hell’s Kitchen small luxury suite at a brand new sceney hotel in the Meatpacking District, where she must share a bathroom with her hallmates and survive off of frozen waffles which she heats up with a curling iron is attended by a massive entourage of handlers who cater to her every need yet seem incapable of keeping her out of trouble or even offering her a ride.

Unfortunately, our heroine has a wild streak. So while she’s hacking through the urban jungle, just a small town gal trying to make her way in Gotham City, she can’t help but take some time to blow off a little steam. Just an innocent happy hour $3 well vodka tonic with friends after she gets off her shift night out drinking thousands of dollars worth of bottles at an exclusive club where celebrities have free reign to do whatever they want in exchange for being ogled, but no matter how hard our gal tries to keep her nose clean, trouble finds her. And honestly, I think it’s time we gather together and give her a break. None of us knows how it feels to hit someone or something every time you get behind the wheel of a car. No one understands what it’s like to think you’re simply taking a random, lucky fan back to our lavish suite for a night of sex and drugs and movies on-demand and wind up realizing he’s only there to take advantage of you. And then to have him allegedly choke and attack you when you confiscate his iPhone, lest he sell naked photos of you to the press a la the royal family? I can honestly say I’d rather not know what that feels like.

So let’s all just leave the kid alone. If she can’t keep herself out of trouble, we can at least stay out of her way. She won’t be here long, I’m sure. They never are. Soon enough she’ll realize that this city has made her hard, and she’ll yearn for the simpler life she once knew out West. And we can say we knew her and got run over by her when.

What do you think about the latest on Lindsay? Better yet, should we even care?

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