A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.

By Nina Pajak

I have all of these weird symptoms that I can’t explain.

I feel my eyes getting bigger, and my pupils dilating permanently.

My irises have turned an impossibly bright shade of blue. Also, though my chest is growing, my waist is shrinking to waspish proportions. My skin, normally a rare shade of white coveted in the Middle Ages which can only be achieved by spending a lifetime of winters on the beaches of Siberia, has taken on a bizarrely uniform shade of alabaster.

Also, I seem to be suffering from some mild rosacea on the apples of my cheeks. And get ready for the weirdest part: My hair has turned blonde.

I’ve narrowed it down to two diagnoses: Either I’ve got a very rare autoimmune disorder the last known case of which was recorded in 1782, or I’m the next to fall victim to the Ukranian Barbie Flu.

Fine. This isn’t new news. It made headlines in 2012, which in Internet years, is equal to totally five bazillion years ago. But it’s new to me. And maybe to you, too.

It all started with a 21-year old dreamer named Valeriya Lukyanova, who transformed herself into a living doll through nothing more than the magic of makeup, contact lenses, and profoundly altering plastic surgery. Valeriya spawned a number of wannabe Barbie pals in the Ukraine, like Midge and Whitney and Skipper and Zippy and Anna Freud.

No word on where Ken is to be found. Oh wait, here he is.

I don’t know if this is really what I have, come to think of it. The closest I’ve come to wanting to emulate Barbie is when I think of Pregnant Barbie, whose belly simply snapped off to release a perfect, un-bloody newborn baby, allowing her to return to fighting form in a matter of mere seconds. Pain free. Makes so much sense!

If you have now suddenly realized that you have deep-rooted psychological issues and want to learn how to spend the rest of your days masquerading as an anatomically-impossible, plastic woman—or if you just want to be seriously disturbed/bored to tears—just type “doll makeup” into the YouTube search bar. You won’t be disappointed.

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