A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.

By Nina Pajak

So much news happened this week! Aside from, you know, real news.

First of all, I hate to beat a dead seal here, but shark attacks are at an all-time high. Yes that’s news, not the paranoid, phobic ramblings of a fear-mongering fearaholic sharkaphobe. There were 53 shark attacks reported in the US in 2012, making it the most shark attackiest year in a decade.

But the most horrifying newsy story in the news this week is that of the Carnival cruise trip from hell.

In case you missed it, the ship experienced a fire in the engine room, which effectively shut down systems and left thousands of passengers adrift at sea off the coast of Mexico. It is being slowly tugged into port in Mobile, AL, and things are not going well. With the power on the ship went the septic system, leaving people to wade around in sewage and defecate into bags. Lines for food are hours long, and staff has had to ration what is left. One report mentioned onion sandwiches. I’m sure a lot of people are ruing that late-night feast at the buffet they indulged in during headier days. Passengers are also said to be sleeping with life vests on, fearing the ship will tip over. (No confirmation on reports of passengers dividing into two groups, the Starboards and the Ports, and setting up antagonistic survivalist camps).

The company will be reimbursing passengers for their extreme pain and suffering in the form of a full refund (um, yes), a free flight home, and a free cruise for future use. Wait. What now? Giving these poor people a free cruise is like giving a newly-released Colombian hostage a free trip to Bogota. Something tells me that very few of those vouchers will be redeemed. What they should do is give everyone a free stay at a land-based hotel in a land-locked area and promise to stay far, far away from them for the rest of their lives.

Furthermore, celebrity couple Kimye (that’s Kim Kardashian and Kanye West), caused a stir at JFK by breaching security. You see, they were running late to catch a connecting flight, and they batted their eyes and were probably like, “hey we’re super famous someone make an exception for us” and some bozo TSA guard was like, “this is my chance to fulfill my dream of being BFF with Kim and Kanye and maybe I can slip him my demo CD!” So he or she made a totally illegal, non-public check and deemed them safe and sent them on their merry way. Only, other TSA agents found out and took Kimye off their flight to undergo correct procedure and that held everyone else up for a really long time. There are several morals to this story, and all of them are dumb.

Finally, a dog named Banana Joe won the Westminster Dog Show! This is notable because:

A) He has an excellently silly face.

B) It goes with his appropriately silly name.

C) The breed, Affenpinscher, is also referred to as the “monkey dog,” due to the fact that the dogs sort of look like monkeys. I call all dogs monkeyface, so this is very comforting to me.

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