A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.

By Nina Pajak

Monsignor Heisenberg, is that you? A Roman Catholic priest in Connecticut is expected to plead guilty next week to possession with intent to distribute meth, which is only one of the charges levied against him at the moment.

‘Monsignor Meth,’ as the tabloids and local news outlets have dubbed him, is said to have received the meth from contacts in California and is thought to have profited to the tune of $300,000. Of course, Walter White makes $300,000 in an hour, in his sleep, when he sneezes, but perhaps this Monsignor was dumb enough to get caught at the beginning of his journey. You know, he hadn’t yet found his Gus Fring and figured out how to get past the local Bridgeport gang syndicate to carve out a more lucrative territory. Though one might speculate that he had a lock on the recovering addict and shut-in consumer base. He also appears to have purchased a sex shop and adult video store nearby. I mean, it doesn’t have the same cache as a car wash for money laundering, but as a priest I’m sure he simply humbly worked with what God provided for him. Namely, “Dorothy’s Place” and “The Land of Oz.” Time also reported that he was known for “acting out sexually — with men — in the church rectory.”

In all fairness, I am not a Catholic and therefore have no particular opinion regarding sexual actings-out among men in church rectories. It doesn’t horrify me nor does it scandalize me, because the key word here is “men.” Not boys. Not teens. I say whatever, man.

But the meth thing, yeah. No, that’s pretty bad.

Next up. File this one under: my personal nightmare writ large. A baby in England was born over two weeks late and weighed in at a whopping 15 pounds, 7 ounces. He got stuck coming out of the birth canal, unsurprisingly, and was deprived of oxygen for a full 20 minutes. But babies are resilient, and baby George is now home six weeks later and gaining weight at a more appropriate rate. His parents are both only 21 years old, so I must assume that perhaps their attention to prenatal care was lackadaisical. But if the British health care system was working at its best in this case, and no doctor tried to get that baby out of her before it hit man-sized bowling ball weight, they’re closer to Theodoric of York: Medieval Barber than I’d realized.

Finally, more good news from the One57 Tower, the much-discussed, soon-to-be tallest residential skyscraper in Manhattan. They sold an apartment! Hooray! The place is going to the lucky young girl from China whose parents want her to live comfortably while she’s studying in America at one of our country’s finest institutions. The decision will likely come down to Columbia, NYU or maybe even Harvard (though that commute will be killer), but she hasn’t been able to pick one yet. They’re all great schools with different assets and drawbacks, certainly. Also, the student in question is two years old, meaning her written and verbal communication—and fine motor—skills leave much to be desired. I’m sure she’ll develop into a grounded, well-rounded young woman with totally reasonable expectations about the world and her future.

I was thinking of doing something similar for our unborn child, too, because what kid wants a 529 plan, anyway? Snoozeroonie.

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