A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
By Nina Pajak
This week, on a very special episode of “EVERYTHING YOU LOVE WILL KILL YOU,” we reveal more shocking ways in which the things you love will ultimately cause your untimely—and often painful!—demise. Joy is dead, all things good and wonderful in this world are actually terrible and black and poison. Let’s get started!
First up: napping. That’s right. The delightful practice of taking a little snoozeroo in the middle of the day. Sometimes it’s a busy day, sometimes you’re just hungover. Sometimes it’s a 15-minute refresher, and sometimes you make it to the REM cycle. It can be taken on a sofa, sitting up in a chair, on an airplane, on public transportation (caution advised), outdoors, and even sometimes in a bed. Naps are wonderful and we love them and they make us feel good, and so it was only a matter of time before someone set out to associate them with death.
A new study in the American Journal of Epidemiology suggests that regular napping might be correlated with a shortened life span. The study was conducted using British nappers who were tracked over 13 years. Those who napped less than an hour a day had a 14 percent increased risk of dying, whereas those who napped more than an hour had a 32 percent increased risk.
Sleep experts explain that this correlation (not causation) may have more to do with the underlying health issues from which the nappers likely suffered, which led them to want to sleep during the day. Like sleep apnea, a disease which is often associated with early death. Or, you know, being home with a 1-year-old all day. Or working in an office with meetings and such. Or working not in an office, with running around and such. Or working outside, with the manual labor. Or being a teenager. Or being a college student. Or being a dog.
We’re all dead.
In other news: napping is good for you!
Other things that you love that are actually the worst: carbs, sugar, caffeine, salt, alcohol, and fried foods. You know, everything that keeps you going over the course of a week? Yeah. Aside from the usual warnings about those delectable vices, it’ll all turn your soft, youthful face into a leathery old catcher’s mitt well before your time. Don’t smoke? Doesn’t matter. You’re going to look like Joan Rivers without the surgery by the time you’re—oops! Too late. That last martini did you in. Hope it was delicious (I know it was).
Also, this is my favorite: baby chicks! Sooooo cute, right? They’re sweet and innocent and they make for an adorable photo op at Easter time with your little baby chicks in their Sunday best. What could be bad? Salmonella. Salmonella can be bad. Hooray! Happy Easter!
Have a great weekend, everyone! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, which is everything at this point.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!