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Nina In New York: This Is A Bunch of Bull Spit

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Gosh darn fribble snabbitz rabbit dingdong doodlehead flacking frackface.

I'm working on my euphemistic cusswords. A bit ahead of schedule, my child has officially shut the door on my foul-mouth habits. I knew this day would come. And here it is.

We were in the car, because of course that's where this story would take place. Someone cut me off or honked at me because I'd chosen not to mow down a pedestrian or [insert obnoxious infraction here; Queens Boulevard is not for lovers]. Naturally, I got irritated and mumbled an epithet under my breathe, as is my instinctive inclination.

Except that perhaps I didn't quite mumble as quietly as I thought I had.

"D*CK! D*CK! D*CK!" my toddler gleefully chanted from the backseat. How had she heard me, facing backwards in her carseat, immersed in the dulcet tones of "I Am My Own Grandpa?" And how did she know she'd gotten a hole of such a tantalizing word? Is it because I half-whispered it that she knew it was special? I prattle away to myself all day long, and while she often mimics me it's rarely done with such jubilation. She knew. Something in my tone, or something in her brain told her she should snatch this opportunity and never let it go.

By the time we'd made it the rest of the way home, I'd somehow convinced her that I said "stick," and she seemed satisfied. But it won't be long before her grasp of the English language will make lies like that impossible to float. So, now I find myself struggling to think of replacement words that I can retrain myself to say when I experience my dozen or so daily moments of uncontrollable rage. The anger has to go somewhere, right? I mean, if we're making a list of everything I don't want my kid to start saying, then I can't even call someone a "doo doo head." Not that I'd want to.

Thankfully, we live in the age of the internet. So I googled "polite curse words," and was rewarded with a mountain of help. Here are some of my favorites. They're all dumb, and they'll all make me sound like that ubiquitous passive aggressive, Midwestern sitcom neighbor, but they've got some pizzazz. They get points for style, for the element of surprise, and for cognitive dissonance.

1. Monkey flunker (n). 1. A primatologist known for his or her harsh grading tactics and high expectations. 2. A really, really bad person who has made you very angry. Ex. Slow down, monkey flunker, you had a red light!

2. Shitaki mushrooms (exclam). 1. A form of edible fungus, prized as a delicacy by many cultures. 2. A word used in moments of extreme surprise or dismay. Ex. Oh shitaki mushrooms, I just impaled my foot on a Lego piece.

3. Six!...and two is eight! (exclam). 1. An oddly worded math equation. 2. A, hm. It's like, uh. Like when you're really cheesed off about, like. Something. Ex. You got another F, little Jimmy? Six!...and two is eight! I am mad.

4. Blasted (adj). 1. A Britishism that is, mildly, translated into American English as "darn." Ex. Enough of this blasted poppycock! 

5. Dang Rabbit (exclam). 1. A troublesome mammal with long ears and large teeth; see also, Bugs Bunny. 2. For when even "dag nabbit" is still too strong for delicate ears. Ex. Oh dang rabbit, I left the bloomin' keys in the daggum car with the baby inside. Son of a bucket!

It's going to be a difficult reprogramming period for me.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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