Nina In New York: We're Stressing Out Our Kids With Our Love And Oppressive Expectations

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

A new study from Ithaca College has found that the higher a parent's expectations are for a kid's performance, the more anxious that kid will be about performing well.

Um, yeah. Also see: every movie and book ever written about a kid struggling to live up to his or her parents' expectations. For instance, pretty much every movie or book ever written.

"'I think people intuitively know that what parents do matters, but it's never been looked at,' [study author Miranda] Kaye said."

Well, okay then.

So, Kaye found out that the kids with the most eagerly, er, enthusiastic parents are also the most stressed out kids before a big game. Her study focused on young athletes and their performance in sports, but I think the principle can be applied to almost any arena. Parents want their kids to do well and meet (or exceed) their potential. Kids want to please their parents. Parents tell their kids they believe in them, they think they can do anything they put their minds to, you just have to apply yourself, study up, practice hard, hard work is the key to success, keep at it champ, don't give up buddy, you're great and tough and fast and smart and bound for greatness. But you know, do your best because as long as you try you've already won. Or whatever.

Of course the kids whose parents state this most strongly get the most stressed out before the big meet/test/recital/debate. They feel the pressure of parental hopes and dreams, they feel the weight of their moms' and dads' unwavering faith in their vast capabilities. They don't want to disappoint them. There is no worse feeling than disappointing a parent, a fact which is in plain evidence by the existence of the phrase "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed." It hurts just to read it, doesn't it? It's a gut punch even to this day. And most of the time, the parents don't mean any harm. They want their kids to know they've got someone in their corner. They don't want them to sell themselves short or get lazy or lose confidence. It's all a very natural and unintentional cycle of hope and guilt and anxiety and twisted neuroses. You know, healthy, normal family stuff. That's love, right?

But is it really so bad to raise your kids with an expectation of achievement? It's one thing to overshoot their abilities and turn them into quivering blobs of nerves and self-sabotage, but I'm talking within the realm of reason. Isn't this preparation for life? Kids turn into adults, and adults spend every waking moment attempting to live up to the expectations of their bosses, spouses, friends, family, even their own kids. If you can't take that kind of heat, perhaps you need to be living off the grid, miles away from any sort of kitchen at all.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!