Nina In New York: See You On The Martian Coast, Suckers

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

It's happening, you guys. It's really happening. Forget sentient houses and watches that can read your mind. Forget robot dogs and drone delivery services. They found evidence of water on Mars. LIQUID water. That's the best kind!

Okay, so it's -70 degrees celsius and evaporates during the day and is exposed to cosmic radiation, which sounds like it must be the absolute worst kind of radiation. But scientists aren't ruling out the idea that life might exist somewhere beneath the surface. Maybe there are whole colonies of mole people down there! Or a bunch of amoebas, whatever. It's still exciting. Plus, they've discovered this at the Mars equator, where temperatures and air conditions are apparently the least friendly. There's no telling what they may see elsewhere, given that. Are there lakes and rivers and perhaps even oceans? And if so, does that mean there are Martian fish with six mouths and no eyes? Are there giant, alien cephalopods that eat cosmic rays for breakfast, metaphorically and literally speaking? And if soooo, does that mean they could or have already evolved into Martian squirrels with four mouths and one eye? Maybe! No, seriously, so far no one is saying no. I certainly haven't read anything that specifically disproves these theories. We're closer than ever to discovering the truth.

SpaceX, Elon Musk's burgeoning commercial spacecraft carrier company, recently saw a setback, but I'm sure they'll be up and running soon enough. By then, we'll have found the Marslantic Ocean and its sumptuous, red sand beaches. I cannot wait to bask in the cosmic rays.

Hopefully, when we build our colonies, they will be kind. Hopefully they will not infect our bloodstreams or shoot lasers from their tongues or any of those things no scientist has definitively said can never happen. I'm looking forward to starting over, although we're going to have to set some ground rules. You know, basic stuff like a penal code to keep everyone safe, and a democratic system of government to keep everything fair, and a binding blood pact not to destroy this next planet's resources and inhabitants like we accidentally did with the Earth. We all make mistakes. The important thing is that we learn from them! We'll do better next time, pinky swear.

Also, no one on Mars is ever allowed to say the words "man cave" ever, ever again. Same goes for "mantiques," "mancation," and "mancano," whatever that is. We may need to have a hearing reviewing all hybrid words, more tk.

In order to establish a well-functioning society, we'll need a good variety of early colonists. And by that I mean, we'll need more than just scientists, anarchist survivalists and Trekkies. Of course, some people will worry about relocating to a new planet, which is to be expected. I propose a rebranding. "Mars" and "martian" are just too loaded, they carry too many preconceived notions. How about New Earth? Nearth? Shmearth? Or Utopitron? Earth II? Disneyopia? Earth, Jr.? Urff! I'm just spitballing, here.

Other ideas can be submitted to my new firm, Astrofabulous Intergalactic Branding + Marketing, LLC. Also, we're hiring. Submit resumes to the Astrofabulous Intergalactic Staffing Agency. It's run by my dog, but he's very responsive.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!