Nina In New York: Kardashian Times Call For Kardashian Measures

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

This week, much happened in the world. I'm referring, of course, to news that can be found by typing "Kardashian" into the search bar. Actually, I'd be surprised if you had to search to read it rather than being assaulted with it every time you open the computer or turn on your phone. And if you are the type of person who actively seeks Kardashian-related updates, perhaps you ought to stop reading here.

We'll politely wait while you let yourself out. Ahem. So . . . crazy weather we've been having. Oh good, they're gone.

Mostly, the buzz has been about the "Kylie Jenner Challenge," which is the new teen sensation in which profoundly misguided kids use a shot glass and the power of suction to give themselves lips that look like they're about one shrimp puff away from dying of anaphylaxis. Or, you know, lips that look like Kylie's. Kylie, for the record, is against it and denies having had any surgery and advocates everyone being happy with their own unique looks, which is meaningful coming from a seventeen-year-old who seems to have seen one too many Cher performances.

I'm just joshing. There are never too many Cher performances.

That virulent tidbit led me down a rabbit hole in which I discovered that Kylie's older sister, posterior prodigy Kim, is publishing a book of her selfies. So, that's cool, because why wouldn't anyone want to spend $19.95 (list price) on 448 pages of Kim and some stuff going on behind her? Tens of thousands of aspiring authors and photographers won't die of absinthe poisoning the day this hits the bestseller list. At least, probably not.

Incidentally, if looking at pictures of Kim in front of various happenings isn't your scene, but you still don't want to actually view a photo or piece of art because BORING, the Philippines has got the museum for you. It's called Art in Island, and it allows visitors to take photos of themselves in three dimensional renderings of famous works of art. Because, as any tourist at the Met or the Louvre will tell you, art doesn't count unless you have documented evidence that you viewed it in person.

On that score, I guess we can't really blame Kim and her ilk for inventing the selfie. But they sure proliferated the trend. And for that, we can blame er, thank them. And according to our favorite domestic guru/ex-con, we can thank Kim for so much more. Martha contributed to Time's "100 Most Influential People" list with a loving ode to the Queen of Rear Ends, dubbing her the "first lady of #fame." Martha extolls her exotic beauty, her devoted role as sister and daughter in a Brady Bunch family for the new millennium, the manner in which she exudes, uh, happiness. She can't imagine many barriers in between Kim and further "explosive success."

Gosh, my heart is so full. I am, indeed, influenced. Thanks, Mme. Stewart.

I know I beat this drum fairly often and with relative hysteria, but THE WORLD IS GOING TO HELL IN A HAND BASKET.

Now, it turns out, that hand basket was lovingly woven and whimsically decorated by the First Lady of Living herself. It's got shabby chic appliqués and origami flowers and a tasteful ribbon trim and everything. But it is not a good thing.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!