Nina In New York: At Least Mosquitoes Love Me For Who I Am

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

As anyone who has met me for more than five minutes knows, I'm not really one for "nature." My definition of the word is pretty broad, too. It includes things like grass, trees, birds, woodland creatures, dirt, the beach, horseback riding, those prickly things that are all over the ground right now, cobwebs, direct sunlight, and naturally (har har) any and all members of the insect or arachnid families. You know, to name a few. It's not that I necessarily want all these things to be destroyed, it's just that I don't particularly relish coming into physical contact with them.

Except for mosquitoes. As far as I'm concerned, those effers could be eradicated worldwide, and the only chain reaction would be that everyone would be a whole lot happier and healthier. They produce nothing but disease. They serve no earthly purpose other than to plague a beautiful summer evening. I hate them with every atom in my body. Sad things is, the little suckers love me.

I've long been mocked in my family for "claiming" that I'm being "eaten alive in the manner of a horror movie" after mere minutes in the backyard, when everyone else is completely fine. And now, I have my comeuppance. According to a recent study published in scientific journal PLOS One, there is now fairly definitive evidence that mosquitoes prefer certain people over others based on their DNA.

Apparently, the attraction is based on a scent given off by those of us with these accursed chosen strands, possibly via our skin cells or maybe from the bacteria that live on our skin. This is pretty revolting news, all in all. Not only are we doomed to be besieged regardless of how much repellant we apply and reapply, but now we're being accused of harboring odiferous bacteria that makes bloodsucking parasitic insects want to marry us. I mean, what smells good to a mosquito? Can't be anything pleasant. In the words of my toddler, "das not gud."

The scientists behind the study are hoping to harness the less appealing aspect of the DNA belonging to those whose bodies don't function as human bug zappers. Perhaps they can take what they learn and develop a pill of some sort that masks our unfortunate DNA, making us smell temporarily better. Or worse. Whatever. The point us, while I understand that these pills are mostly for people who are worried about terrible things like dengue and malaria, I'd be willing to drink some anti-mosquito magic potion just to get me through a summer in New York. Barring horrific, long-term side effects or genetic mutations, of course. Or, you know, barring any really bad genetic mutations. Let's not be too hasty.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!