Nina In New York: Noah's Ark Was More Crowded and Terrifying Than Previously Understood

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

The thing about nature is that it's definitely trying to kill us. Sure, it's beautiful. Sure, it's magical. Yeah, it's profound and miraculous and unique and fascinating. It's terrific! Why not? But that doesn't negate the fact that it's completely frightening and deadly and merciless. You know, like a brightly colored poisonous frog, waiting on a tree like a gorgeous little death jewel. Or a graceful stingray floating easily through the clear blue sea, gliding about in a water ballet that ends with a poisonous barb through your still-beating heart. Or a majestic cliff from which you might trip and fall to a rocky demise. Or a blanket of peaceful snow that will make your nose fall off. Or the unflagging love of a gentle elephant for her baby that might compel her to attempt to trample you to death. Like that.

The cool thing about it, though, is that it never gets dull. Just when you think we've catalogued all the crazy, creepy, outlandish flora and fauna that will make you go "ooooooyeeeeeew," it turns out Mother Nature has been stashing 139 unknown wackadoo species in just one region. The Mekong region of Asia, to be exact. And wackadoo they are, my friends.

Take, for instance, the "dementor wasp," named after the soul-sucking ghosty thingamawhosits from the Harry Potter series. These wasps inject a poison into their prey (cockroaches, so more power to 'em) which turns their unsuspecting victims into veritable zombies. As in, they can move, but they've got no control over their actions and no idea what's going on. Let's just be happy the wasps want to eat the roaches and not train them to become an army of undead insects who will help them enslave mankind.

That's hardly all. There's a color-changing, spiky-backed frog, a stick insect that measures nearly two feet, a zebra-lizard-doodad, a newt that looks like a teeny, weeny crocodile, another mother-effing snake, and an extremely toothy, fanged bat who kind of looks like an elderly billionaire who just deliberately dropped a nickel into a homeless guy's coffee. And we haven't even talked about the flora.

It all makes you wonder: what else is out there? The greater Mekong appears to be a rather unusual ecosystem, rife with freaky deaky creatures, but it can't be the only one. In ten years, what more will there be? A fish that can grow legs? A long-armed lemur? Some more bugs and snakes and creepy crawlies that make me itch all over? Yeah, probably that last one. Earth! Yes.

Truly, I'm all for it. From afar, of course. Inside. Here in New York City. That's quite close enough, thank you.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!