Nina In New York: That's Not A Monkey, That's My Chef. Also, He's A Monkey.
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
Every so often, science really outdoes itself. The telephone, the internet, space exploration, the rebirth of an entire prehistoric ecosystem of dinosaurs using naught but a million-year-old mosquito preserved in amber—these are just a few of their home runs. And the hits keep coming.
This week, scientists at Harvard and Yale released a study that revealed that chimpanzees "would cook if given the chance," according to The New York Times.
Before you start planning your fabulous new life and inevitable reality show in which you star as the very first employer of a simian personal chef, you should probably get all the information.
The study mainly focused on whether the chimps would choose to delay gratification and wait for a cooking process rather than eat a raw version of food. But because they're totally lame and uncool, they opted not to introduce the monkeys to the microwave or EZ-bake oven. Instead, they invented a fake method of "cooking" which involved tricking the chimps into thinking that shaking a bowl would cook a piece of raw sweet potato.
If the study had been about how easy it might be to fool a chimpanzee, nobody would have won. That's just mean.
Turns out that, while chimps tend to have a hard time with self-control and discipline when it comes to food, they largely elected to forgo the raw food in favor of waiting for it to "cook" and therefore taste better. Honestly? I'm not totally sure my friends and I would have produced the same results. Sometimes you're JUST SO HUNGRY. Right? Frozen pizza is actually sort of good, you guys. Don't knock it till you've accidentally picked all the cheese off while you wait for the oven to preheat.
Anyway, chimpanzees possess the willpower and discerning sensibility to cook, although they do not yet have the skill to control fire or electricity. But give it time, friends. Before long, we could be hosting elegant soirees catered by a team of monkeys who will work for peanuts. Literally, peanuts. Or bananas, ears of corn, chocolate chip cookies, the point is nobody knows what monkeys eat. Maybe everything. Maybe the food they're supposed to be preparing for your guests. Maybe they'll just fling their poop around, devour your groceries and peace out. We'll figure out the details later, it's not important. Hey, kitchens come and kitchens go—you'll be the talk of the Hamptons!
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
