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Nina In New York: It's My Apocalypse (And I Can Scream If I Want To)

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Has anyone else been feeling a little . . . I don't know. Armageddon-y, maybe? Perhaps it's just me and my overactive, hyper-paranoid, wildly alarmist imagination, but it seems like a lot of outlandish nightmare scenarios are coming to pass. In the last week, several of my own personal hells have played out in real life, leading me to believe, naturally, that the Earth is rapidly and inexorably spinning towards a chaotic and explosive meltdown.

First, a truck carrying sharks from Florida to Brooklyn crashed on a Florida highway last week, resulting in GENUINE LAND SHARKS. Admittedly, this is both a fear and a dream come true. But mostly, eek! One shark died, which is sad I guess, and the rest are recovering well after their harrowing ordeal during which they did not manage to eat one single, unsuspecting door-answerer. This confirms both my theory that sharks may be lurking virtually anywhere, and that Florida should be renamed the Freak Show State.

Then, the Coney Island Cyclone broke down (again) on Saturday, forcing riders to climb down on foot from the massive, wooden roller coaster. I never used to be afraid of amusement park rides, but it seems to me that any adult with the ability to read and a love of life should think twice before trusting any of these rickety, charming death chutes. People have actually died at my own, beloved Rye Playland, and this is the second time since March that Luna Park fun-seekers have had to spend an hour walking down 85 feet worth of stairs. I'd venture that's probably the least fun ride any carnival could possibly offer. "Step right up ladies and gents, and slowly ride to the top of a crest from which you will then be forced to descend on foot in single file! Don't crowd me, folks, you'll all get a turn on The Quad Burner!"

Finally, a little further from home, flooding in the country of Georgia has caused twelve deaths as well as a bunch of zoo animals to escape. I'm sorry. Is this real life? A hippo was recovered in the town square, but lions, tigers, bears and wolves are still believed to be at large. And possibly others, they don't even know yet. The flooding destroyed the facility, killing three workers (one of whom already had her arm ripped off by a tiger last month). Residents of Tbilisi are encouraged to stay indoors, lest they encounter a jungle beast in their backyards. Time to paper-train the dog.

Of course, the other, more honest and self-absorbed conclusion I can draw from all this mishegas is that the Proprietors of the Universe are trying to speak to me. They're trying to tell me that all of my so-called "crazy" fears are actually completely valid, and that I shall one day be proven right about all of my theories including the ones involving aliens and sea-dinosaurs. Take heed, New York. The weird end is nigh.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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