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Nina In New York: Here's Looking At U-Rine

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

For every summer of my adult life I have yearned for one thing, and one thing only: access to a reasonably clean, uncrowded swimming pool. On those nasty, sticky, steamy city days, nothing else will do! Oceans are shark-infested, if you can make it to one. Lakes are unflushable fish toilets. Rivers are . . . well, ours aren't typically for people who are so much alive as not. Playground sprinklers are cool if you're four, less cool if you're thirty. Nope, swimming pools are where it's at. With their clear, aquamarine waters, impeccably treated with purifying chemicals to neutralize any human filth that might stand in the way of a gloriously refreshing dip on a warm, sunny day.

So we finally joined a pool this year, and I'm loving it. I am luxuriating in my luxuriously luxe lifestyle!

Except, of course, that this turns out to be repulsively untrue.

Just in time to ruin everyone's summer, the Centers for Disease Control and General Buzzkilling has released a public service announcement on the dangers of Recreational Water Illnesses, or RWIs. It turns out that:

"Contrary to popular belief, chlorine does not kill all germs instantly. There are germs today that are very tolerant to chlorine and were not known to cause human disease until recently. Once these germs get in the pool, it can take anywhere from minutes to days for chlorine to kill them. Swallowing just a little water that contains these germs can make you sick."

Womp womp. Sad trombone. Ten poop emojis in a row. Where's that barfing emoji when we need him?

One particularly awesomely named diarrheal illness, called Crypto, has evidently increased by 200% and can live for days in chlorine. It's like the supervillain du jour of the microbe world, plotting to take over the world one intestine at a time. It's up to us to be the heroes! In addition to keeping pools at proper chemical levels, the CDC recommends that we follow certain guidelines ourselves:

  • Stay out of the water if you have diarrhea.
  • Shower before you get in the water.
  • Don't pee or poop in the water.
  • Don't swallow the water.

Dang. Don't poop in the pool? This is going to be a really difficult transition for some people. Of course, swallowing water while swimming is natural and tough to avoid, and the typical amount one accidentally ingests is "enough to make you sick."

And how can you know if someone in your pool isn't following directions? Well, if your eyes get really red after splashing around in there, you can be fairly certain it's due to the irritating effect that occurs when urine mixes with chlorine. You know what? On second thought, if your eyes are red, it's already too late. So maybe it's best you just don't look. I mean, if we run into each other on the street in our bathing suits and we're both looking a little bloodshot, let's just agree to keep our opinions to ourselves. Knowing there's pee in my eyeballs is pretty low on the list of things I need in my life. I'm so glad we can get on the same page here.

Last one in the pool's a dirty diaper! Oh, wait. Oh, no.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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