Nina In New York: These United States Of Hot Dog And Pizza

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Amurica! It's happening now. We're doing it. Happy birthday, ya old bag. I can say that, because I'm an American. And I love the gal! She knows I'm just kidding. Listen, she may be 239 years old, but she's still got it going on.

In the last week, the constitution has been at work. SCOTUS has churned out some pretty monumental decisions, many of them really very good! And no matter what you think of the direction the country is taking, the important thing is that we're all still at liberty to complain about it to our hearts' content. Heck, our presidential candidates even see fit to suggest to completely upend an entire branch of government! We're not perfect, but we remain the land of the free and the home of the brave. So free and brave, in fact, that we've embarked on a whole new level of letting our freak flags fly:

The Pizza Hut Hot Dog Bites Pizza.

It's a pizza surrounded by pigs in blankets that function as a crust. You pop 'em off, dip 'em in mustard sauce, and then, like, eat the crustless pizza I guess? Then you barf, and then maybe you have some beer and start all over again.

Ancient Rome would be so proud.

Actually, our new addition originated across the pond in a different form. Three years ago, Pizza Hut UK launched a pizza with a hollow crust, into which was inserted a long, circular hot dog. (Actually it started in Asia, but we'll ignore that aspect of the story for the sake of the joke.) Psht. Tsk. Pshaw. Naturally, we took it and made it less phallic and more awesome, and we are poised to stage a new revolution. See what happened there?

Give us our hot dog pizza! We want it all, and we'll do it better! It doesn't even make sense that it wasn't ours all along. Honestly, England. If someone here invented a bangers and mash pizza, we'd totally do the right thing and hand it over to the proper British authorities. Have some decorum.

It's almost too perfect, really. Listen, I'm not one to incite rebellion, but we're coming apart at the seams. I think it's high time we Americans got together on something again. This is an easy one. We can set aside partisan differences for once. We can set aside religious beliefs, unless of course your faith prohibits you from eating hot dogs with cheese. We can work together as one, minus the vegetarians and vegans and lactose intolerants and anti-glutenites, but who needs them anyway? This is about pizza. This is about hot dogs. This is about mustard. This is about freedom to have it all, and have it all the American way. Let's claim what's ours. It's about time we reasserted our independence.

Happy July 4th, fellow patriots.

PS. Here's a bread cone filled with Prime Rib. Go team.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!