Nina In New York: Surprising New Research Sheds Dim Sliver Of Light On Toddler Discipline
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
The topic of toddler discipline is a perennially controversial one. Some believe in a nurturing approach which hinges on compromise and gentle reasoning. Some believe in tougher love, like the time-honored tradition of the time-out.
It's been on my mind a great deal lately, so my interest was naturally piqued when I read a spate of clickbait headlines about how surprising new research illuminates all sorts of things about time-outs and tantrums. Hooray! My problems will be solved! I was so eager to read this latest entry into the canon of parenting prescriptions. And boy howdy, I wasn't disappointed! Oh, wait. That's not right. I meant to say I was completely disappointed. The research reveals what most parenting research seems to boil down to: it all sort of works. In other words: meh?
Just in case you're reading this while a small child is whining and/or sobbing in your ear and you're not entirely sure what this means for you, let me clear it up: compromising works sometimes, for a while, but if your kid is really awful, you need to get stricter. On the other hand, overdoing it with the harsher time-outs is bad, too. You just have to know precisely when to do which thing and how often and in which order and then everything will be great. And if you don't, you will probably make your child notably worse.
Got it? Great. Good luck!
Personally, now that my household seems to be solidly settled into those fabled "terrible twos," I'm beginning to develop some philosophies of my own. Namely that when I'm faced with a shrieking, wailing, flailing pile of blonde hair and chubby limbs when my only infraction was attempting to feed her a waffle, all bets are off. Sometimes I'm nice, and I "love her through it," as many parents preach. Sometimes I'm not so nice, taking a stern tone and doing my best to ignore the theatrics. I've offered positive incentives (read: bribes) and negative incentives (read: threats). I've yelled. I've cooed. I've reasoned. I've given in. I've held fast. I can promise you that pretty much nothing works, all the time. Then again, some things work some of the time, except for when a bunch of things work all at once.
Gimme my science degree, suckers.
Obviously, this is a complicated issue, and I'm not actually knocking child behavior research. It's just that yet again, we parents are teased with "surprising" new studies only to be handed yet another resounding, "uh, whatever works." Thanks. Thanks so much for the constructive ideas and easy-to-follow advice.
Perhaps when I'm on my second or third or seventh or 19th child, this won't seem so murky. But many of us are just muddling through our first bout with a toddler, and it's all we can do not to hide in the back of our closet and hold our breath while we wait for our 2-year-old to realize that she can't wear her Sofia shirt for the fourth day in a row because it's covered in tomato sauce. Please, give me something I can work with. Until then, I'm considering giving myself the time-outs instead. Go ahead and cry, kid. I'll be in your room with the door closed. Let me know how it works for you.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
