Nina In New York: Fifty Shades Of Dad
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
Imagine that you are the mother of a couple of young children. You have just worked a long day, whether in or out of the home, and now you and your husband are both home for the evening. You prepare dinner(s): the baby will only eat waffles right now, your oldest is on a macaroni and cheese kick, and your husband gets a turkey sandwich for which he should be dang thankful. You toasted the bread and everything. While he relaxes with his phone, you sit on the floor and spend twenty minutes pretending to be a mommy unicorn who can't find her babies and is repeatedly, inexplicably shocked when they appear from the exact same spot behind the bookshelf fifty times in a row. You want your partner to notice how well they are playing together, but it's up to you to praise and positively reinforce. Then it is time to bathe the children, an activity which ought to be soothing but is instead something between water aerobics and calf-roping. The baby grabs her sister's pigtail, leading the older girl to "accidentally" snatch a toy out of the baby's mouth with alarming ferocity. You give everyone a time out and call for reinforcements, but your husband doesn't actually make it upstairs until the kids are calm and in their pajamas, ready with their squeaky clean, angelic faces to be kissed goodnight and tucked in tight. You drag yourself down the hall to your room and flop on the bed; your husband joins.
Now, numerically rank the below activities, beginning with the one you would like to do the most and ending with the one you would like to do the least:
- Cleaning the septic tank
- Marathon training
- Removing one of your own molars without anesthesia, using a YouTube video to guide you through the process
- Writing thank you notes
- DIY facial electrolysis
- Calling your super mean grandmother who likes to point out how much worse you are than your sister
- Preparing your tax returns
- Having sex with your spouse
Think hard. I'll give you some time. It's a tough one, isn't it? It's okay, you don't have to show anyone your answers.
Now, tweak the above scenario to include a husband who helps feed the kids, tags in during bath time to give you a break, and takes it upon himself to scold your monsters and give them an affecting lecture on the value of keeping one's hands to oneself. Number 8 is starting to move up in the rankings, isn't it? It may have even overtaken numbers 6, 5 and 3. Maybe? Okay, same scenario, but this time you sit with a glass of wine and a bowl of spaghetti while your mate handles dinner, bath and bed.
EVERYONE OUT WE HAVE TO NUMBER 8 RIGHT NOW.
According to new sociological research brought to you by the Association for Insultingly Obvious Studies, the sharing of childcare duties results in a happier marriage, both emotionally and physically. Couples reported a more satisfying sex life and relationship on the whole when the husband either shared the burden of child-rearing or took on the bulk of the responsibility himself. In situations where the woman shouldered at least 60% of the workload, it was far chillier.
According to the article, "The academics are planning more research into why those couples with more equal childcare responsibilities seem to have better relationships." Er. Okay, good luck to you guys.
To be fair, they looked at childcare responsibilities as being specifically about the more emotional (psychologically exhausting) aspects: playing, praising and disciplining the kids. It wasn't so much about the more mechanical (and physically exhausting) jobs of feeding and bathing. To that end, I have a pretty solid theory: these are parents who actually parent together. They are connected to their kids equally, and therefore to each other. They both understand how important it is to be present in the lives of their children, and neither is afraid to be the bad guy—or the good guy. They have embodied that elusive, seemingly mythical pillar of parenting: The United Front.
It does exist!
It is interesting that the relationship is equally happy when the man takes on more of the work, but it makes sense. As much as things are moving in this direction, it's still not "normal" for a dad to be the primary parent. So any guy who steps up in a big way is obviously pretty motivated and probably quite in touch with his sensitive side. And there's nothing sexier than that, amirite?
I'm clearly right.
There may not be many terribly written erotic novels-turned-movies about involved dads with high Emotional Intelligence, but we know better. And so do they.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
