Nina In New York: Adventures In Rainy Day Parenting

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak                             

Yesterday was the kind of day I dread: rainy and devoid of plans. When I woke and saw the wet asphalt outside, I immediately began texting friends in search of a play date. No go. Next, I considered some indoor museum options, but found my child to be unwilling to even change out of her pajamas. So it was that we found ourselves home alone with nothing but time. To figure out precisely when and to what degree this ticking bomb might explode, solve for x:

[(Number of free hours + age of toddler) ÷ number of adults present] x Z* = x

*Z is the variable quotient which can take the form of a hunger strike, a poopy diaper, general toddler mood, and tantrum likelihood. It is nearly impossible to calculate without first earning advanced degrees in mathematics and child development, then burning both to a pile of ashes which one must then dump into a plastic potty.

Sensing the simultaneous potential for a dangerous situation and the opportunity to be one of those moms I idolize in the Pottery Barn Kids catalog, I had a brain thing. A brain . . . uh. One of those, what's them called again? A head fart? Oh yes: an idea! I remembered a bag of craft pompoms and pipe cleaners I'd bought years ago for some abandoned project. And lo, the glue sticks left over from our school project! Well, things were looking up.

I sat my kid down with a piece of construction paper and the rest of the supplies, showed her how to apply the items to the paper with glue, and then sat back to watch my exemplary parenting take effect. She began drawing pictures with the glue stick all over the paper and then randomly scattering pompoms on non-sticky parts of the page. Okay, I obviously didn't adequately communicate the physical principles and governing laws of glue and paper and fuzz balls. Let's try again.

Wow! Things took a turn for the better! She was gluing, I'm helping, and we were pressing the pompoms down together. I snapped a photo during a lovely moment during which she was absorbed in the task at hand. For whole minutes, I basked in my feelings of pride in my girl and smugness regarding my own maternal performance. I considered posting it to Instagram to show off what a marvelous and fulfilling life I lead, one that is in no way marred by constant, tiny errors in judgement and large-scale outbursts of uncontrollable toddler rage. Wait. Sweetie. No, no glue on the table. Wait, hang on, don't deliberately glue your fingers! Ugh, honey, remember how you have to put the things down ON the glue? Where it's sticky. See where it's sticky? Where it's sticky. Put them where it's sticky. Oh my God, this isn't fun at all. How about some nice crayons? Stickers? HEY. GET THAT GLUE AWAY FROM YOUR FACE.

Within seconds, she was in tears and demanding that I clean her. The project was over. I tried, lamely, to interest her in a pathetic-looking pipe cleaner "magic wand" I'd hastily assembled, but she gave it a withering look before running off into the living room to play with an empty Duane Reade bag.

. . . And then it was special, rainy day movie time! Hooray! Quit judging me, Pottery Barn Kids catalog mom. Just shut your placid, serene face and go figure out what you're going to do with that giant vase of fresh lemons on your counter top.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!