Nina In New York: Cheese Is My Favorite Drug

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

I've never been one for hard drugs. I like to say that the D.A.R.E. program actually worked on me, but it may have also had something to do with growing up reading the bi-weekly newspaper clippings my mother would casually leave on the breakfast table about teenagers who died from accidental overdoses. Partying just isn't for me. You have to know yourself in this world, and I know I'd be a total, grade A, world-class freaker-outter. Besides, I get my high the all-natural way. You know, the primo stuff. I'm talking Manchego. I'm talking Camembert. Hell, maybe even a Comte. There is literally no stopping me. I'm a total cheese fiend.

Yeah, yeah, and a giant nerd. It's cool, I'm fine with it. But, according to a new study by the U.S. Library of Medicine, it turns out that a particular protein found in cheese actually does produce a certain opiate, which has an addictive effect on the user, er, eater. This is a similar chemical brain reaction to the one stimulated by non-dairy narcotics, like heroin and cocaine. And why shouldn't it be? Cheese is infinitely delightful. It can be creamy or hard, semi-soft, pungent or mild. It goes well with almost everything (except lactose-intolerance). And when you're a cheese-aholic, you're always prepared to entertain! I can't recommend it highly enough.

Can you imagine a world in which all the drug abusers became cheese enthusiasts? In which cartels are neutralized by a product that is also sold in your grocer's refrigerated aisle? In which we no longer have to worry about young people being led astray by hard drugs because they're already hooked on some sweet, sweet Muenster?

Of course, that isn't how this works. Within the confines of this study, the cheese addiction seems to have much more to do with pizza than with triple creme. In fact, the more processed the queso, the more addictive it appears to be. And while this study joins others which point to food addiction being a very real condition, no research has yet proven that it is an actual disease like the one that affects those addicted to drugs and alcohol.

Anecdotally, however, you don't want to see what happens when we run out of the four or five varieties of cheese I always keep on hand. The scene gets pret-ty ugly. Thankfully, I generally stash one of those creepy, will-survive-the-nuclear-apocalypse cheese-like substances in the back of the drawer for just such emergencies. I'm nothing if not prepared. Cheese is life, people.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!