Nina In New York: Terrifying Toddler Costume Ideas To Suit Every Budget
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
Tomorrow is the big day! Or, you know, a big day, depending on who you are and where you fall on the line between hatred of commercialized spectacles and love of bite-sized candy bars. But really, who needs Halloween when you've got young children? They're a scream-a-minute fright-fest. Just today, for instance, my child nearly had to have a whole pretzel heimliched out of her windpipe. When I admonished her after the danger had passed to "CHEW YOUR FOOD FOR THE LOVE OF GOD," her only reply was a calm, unblinking, "why?" Why. Why. Why???
Palm --> Face --> Wall.
Given that our kids barely know what Halloween is and don't understand why or how they should be dressing up, I've been thinking about a new category of costumes that are innocuous at first blush, but truly terrifying for the other parents. That's the idea anyway, right? To scare one another?
In the pie chart of toddler accidental suicide attempts, it's pretty evenly split among choking, electrocution, swallowing poisonous or hazardous materials, diving from high precipices, and getting pinned beneath heavy objects. I'm not saying they want to die or anything. It's more like an exercise in Darwinian theory, in which the offspring happily toddle through the world like Mr. Magoo, while their parents are forced to hone their instincts and skills to ensure survival of their genetic lineage. Whoever loses it and has a heart attack first, loses. So why not dress your kid up like a Tide laundry pod? Or a magnet in the shape of a piece of candy? Or an un-cut grape! Gah, spooky.
But of course, the game of mommy/daddy fear factor doesn't end with the physical dangers. If they aren't actively engaged in flirting with death, our children are threatening us with their incredible willingness to unleash a hellfire and fury that I'd heretofore only read about in the Old Testament. I've got lots of ideas for costumes that will send your friends and neighbors running for the hills:
Daylight Saving Time: Use markers and oak tag to create a sandwich board that looks like the calendar page for Nov. 1, which marks the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. Underneath, dress her in her pajamas. Use blue eyeshadow to create under eye bags and red eyeliner to rim your child's eyes and give her that deranged, bloodshot look. Have her carry around a clock that flashes 4:00 a.m. Optional: have her drag a wagon containing fifteen nightlights, forty-seven different teddy bears, a blanket, a different blanket, no that other blanket, another book, and another book, and just one more book PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
Nightmare in the Sky: Again, using markers and oak tag to create a sandwich board, draw an iPhone screen. Color the battery counter to read 3%. Have your child also wear a tiny neck pillow or kiddie headphones around her neck and carry a boarding pass, teddy bear, and a savaged copy of SkyMall magazine. Optional: Hand her a bottle of ear infection medicine (empty!) and a barf bag.
Wean Queen: Dress your child in pajamas. Put all of her pacifiers into a ziploc bag and carry them a foot away from her all night long. Her shrieks of indignation and rage will haunt the block for years to come. Optional: You dress up in wings and a tutu while holding aforementioned bag, thereby turning yourself into "the pacifier fairy," a malicious, sadistic demon to whom parents are encouraged to tell their children to relinquish their beloved pacifiers.
Of course, there are so many other possibilities. There's the sandwich without the crusts cut off, the unpeeled apple, someone else's lollipop. The nap strike, the stroller strike, the third cookie, and my personal favorite, the toddler discipline manual. Use your imagination! These costumes are not only cheap, but they're sure to curdle the blood of everyone at your pre-school. Enjoy, and have a safe and happy Halloween!
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
