Nina In New York: From The Tantrum Files
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________
By Nina Pajak
Walking through the world with a baby or a toddler changes the way a person looks at things -- and the way people look at you. Sometimes this is a positive experience: the same people who once regarded you with surly disinterest when you were but a solo human are now, quite suddenly, people who are helpful, concerned, sympathetic and conversational. One becomes aware of the unspoken bond that is shared by all those who have children. It is a piece of that proverbial village, and I truly appreciate it. On the other hand, I'm fairly certain that no experience has ever made me feel more isolated and alone on this planet than being the mother to that kid. You know, the one who's pitching a fit out in public, screeching, snot-streaming, kicking and flailing and attempting to bust out of her stroller straps like a 3-foot-tall wee-Hulk. We've all been there (or at least, that's what I tell myself), but when it's you, you're toxic. There are a few ways in which people react, but they all cLeary convey the same sentiment: "I'm so glad I'm not you. Please get away from me immediately."
- The Escape Artist: While you are attempting to contain a nuclear reaction with a snack-sized baggie of pretzel sticks, the Escape Artist is only thinking of self-preservation. He wants to get away from you. Fast. He won't ever make direct eye contact, but will rather cast his dismayed gaze down as he shuffles around you. When you're desperately trying to leave a store after paying, simultaneously storing your packages, putting away your change and wallet, and throwing random snacks and purchases at your screaming child, the Escape Artist will shove in front of you to get to the register and effectively block your path. This is good for no one. If only he would give you one more second, you could be on your way and out of his life forever. But instead, you have to play mime-mirror to get around each other and watch him roll his eyes.
- The Sympathizer: Most parents have, at one point or another, been on the wrong end of this equation. The Sympathizer wants you to know that she can relate, and she shoots you meaningful looks of pity and half-smiles meant to convey sisterhood. Only, she just can't get it right and in the heat of the moment, she only succeeds in looking sort of patronizing and insincere. At best, her expression translates to one of friendly condescension. At worst, she comes across as inappropriately tickled by the fact that your life is not hers and her children are somewhere else, not humiliating her and making her out to be a horrible mother. Congratulations, lady. Thanks for your solidarity. Incidentally, I am a chronic sympathizer, and I hate myself for it all the time.
- The Jaw-Dropper: These people are by far my greatest fear. Unlike the Escape Artist, who is annoyed and disapproving, or the Sympathizer, who is understanding, the Jaw-Dropper regards you and your ill-behaved spawn as the very embodiment of failure. His eyes widen to the size of saucers as you approach, a walking tornado, and he gapes and stares at you both, unabashed, in sheer horror. It is written plain as day on his face: you're the worst, so terrible that it's genuinely shocking. He's never seen a spectacle like this in all his life. He'd take out some popcorn and watch it all play out, but it's simply too heinous. Kids today. Well, I never. Shame, shame, shame. My children never did this.
- The Deliberately Blind: For better or for worse (it's worse), you know that everyone within a ten block radius is aware of your plight. Your child is loud. She is furious. She is unrelenting and irrational and unself-conscious. She's mad as heck, and she doesn't care who knows it. But The Deliberately Blind person chooses to live in an alternate reality where you and your commotion do not exist. She is intent on ignoring you, pretending you are not cutting a ridiculously conspicuous profile a mere five feet from her person. It's possible she is affecting this strategy for your benefit, an attempt to avoid embarrassing you further. But regardless of her intentions, being treated as an ugly ghost does not help your predicament or make you feel any better about the situation. Quite the contrary. Then again, she leaves you alone. She does not force you to respond to or manage her reaction to you. She is a blank. This is a small mercy.
I should be clear: there is probably no "right" way to treat a person who is dealing with a tantruming child. Unless you are going to walk up to the kid and hand him or her a lollipop and make it all stop, there's really nothing anyone can do or say. But perhaps the next time you see a parent struggling with what appears to be a stroller containing a small weather system made of limbs, tears and hair, you will think twice before treating that person like a circus freak. That seems like a fair place to set the bar. And if you can't do that, may the wrath of a thousand hungry toddlers rain down upon you.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
