Nina In New York: Confessions Of A Basic Mother
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
There's a lot about being a parent that I didn't expect. Mainly, all of it. And now that I am deep in the trenches of toddler parenting, there have been so many more surprises. For instance, that I could be proven wrong (and made to admit it repeatedly) by a person who still doesn't know how to put on her own shoes. Or that I would find myself encouraging my kid to watch television so that I might close my eyes for ten minutes. Or that the mere joy of pleasing me wouldn't be even remotely enough to cow my offspring into obedience. Or that I would ever be pleased with my child consuming a meal consisting of four string cheeses and three figs and five tablespoons of shredded mozzarella. Ha ha, I know I'm just humble-bragging now.
But one thing that's really got me cringing lately is how often I find myself unconsciously spitting out parental cliche after cliche -- and really, really meaning it. And not only that, but even when I notice it and try to avoid the habit, I'm genuinely stumped as to a better way to express how I'm feeling. I suppose these things become hackneyed for a reason. There's just no fighting it, I suppose. In an effort to own my new "typical mom" persona and perhaps try to make it a little cooler, I present some of my favorite chestnuts. You know you say them, too. The sooner we all admit it, the sooner we can stop kicking ourselves for being so damn basic.
1. "Because I said so." The greatest hit of all time. As a child, I found this to be a consistently maddening and arguably fascist statement. Then again, I had no idea then what it is like to be met with a deadpan and sincere "why?" as the response to literally every single request I make of my child. As a parent, I now understand how a reasonable person who values free will might be driven to adopt this attitude. To whit:
Child, what are you thinking? Don't climb up the bookshelf/leap down four stairs at once/hang off the banister/open the car door while we're moving!
Why, mommy?
Just stop it! Stop that right now!
Why?
Because you'll hurt yourself! [Blank stare.] Because it's dangerous! You'll get a big boo-boo! You'll have to go to the hospital! I'll be very sad! [No indication that child has heard a word you've said.] BECAUSE I SAID SO!!! YOU HAVE TO JUST DO IT BECAUSE I SAID SO!
2. "Don't make me ask you again." I have no idea what's supposed to happen if she makes me ask her again. I'm fairly confident that no parent in the history of parents has ever had a firm plan for what comes next. But it sounds good and threatening, doesn't it?
3. "This is a great song! You don't know what you're talking about." But no, you're right. I'd much rather listen to "Humpty Dumpty" 50 times in a row than pretty much anything else.
4. "I'm driving so I get to pick the music." See above. See also: accident rates for drivers forced to endure "Disney's Silly Songs Part 2" in rush hour traffic.
5. "It's for your own good." Right now, this pertains to such things as: bedtime, nap time, mealtime, bath time, basic hygiene, proper outerwear, and safety rules pertaining to the handling of wild animals found in the park. I have a feeling this one will get a lot heavier as the years go on.
6. "I know best." Sometimes, this is the only response to a person who is crying because she would rather walk than drive thirty miles and over the Whitestone Bridge.
7. "I'm happy. I'd be happier if you just brushed your teeth." Or "brushed your teeth" may be replaced with thousands of other actions. There's a silent expletive in there, can you spot it?
8. "Go play." Please? Please. I'm begging you.
9. "I'm going to have to tell Daddy about this when he gets home." And he'll . . . uh . . . well. I'm sure he'll be displeased and will display his feelings in some undesirable way. Like eating a snack, changing his clothes and helping to put you to bed. Ooh, you're gonna get it now. Admittedly, this one only pops out when I'm at my most desperate and am barely able to understand what I'm saying anymore, let alone think before I speak.
10. "I'm not your maid." See also: "you've got legs, use them;" "are your arms broken?" and "it's the servants' day off."
11. "Show so-and-so how you sing that song/do that dance/jump really high/etc." Because despite her badditude toward me and our seemingly constant power struggle, my kid is the funniest, cutest, smartest, most impressive human ever to be born and she is inherently entertaining to everyone she meets. Isn't yours? See how I ended that on a nicer note? It happens occasionally.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
