Nina In New York: How To Feed Your Toddler Lunch In 51 Easy Steps

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.

By Nina Pajak

From time to time, I like to stop and take careful accounting of all the troublesome parenting I've been doing. It sure is a lot! I'm not sure anyone has ever spoken or written about this before, but toddlers are, like, really difficult. I mean, some days I feel like I'm trying to teach manners to howler monkeys (who are notoriously rude, in case you didn't know). Anyway, I'd hate for all this valuable experience and wisdom to go to waste without passing it along to the next round of confused, beleaguered moms and dads. You're welcome.

How To Feed Your Toddler Lunch In 51 Easy Steps

1. Identify lunchtime. You will know this because of the actual hour, as well as your toddler's sudden spike in irascibility.
2. If you are already at home, proceed to step #11.
3. If you are out of doors, inform toddler that it is time to head for home.
4. No, it is not time to go to the playground. Assure toddler that the playground is, indeed, in his/her future, but that lunch must come first.
5. No, it is not time to go to the playground.
6. No, now it's still not time to go to the playground. It's lunchtime. Lunch. Time. Playground later, lunch now.
7. Coax child into the stroller with the promise of a delicious luncheon repast awaiting him/her at home. Hot dogs! Pizza! Nuggets! Grilled cheese! Pasta! Uuuh . . . broccoli? No! No broccoli. Who said broccoli? Nobody! What? The wind!
8. No, seriously, get in the stroller. You can't have a snack, you're about to eat lunch.
9. Fine. Fine. Take the crackers and sit. Down. Please.
10. Congratulations, you're on your way! And not a moment too soon. Spend the walk hyping your toddler on his/her food choices while silently kicking yourself for drinking that giant iced coffee so far from home.
11. Once home, ask your toddler again what he/she would like to eat.
12. Nothing is not an option.
13. Jellybeans are similarly not on the menu. Rather, they are reserved for good little boys and girls who eat their lunches.
14. Reiterate your child's choices, this time whittling them down to two or three.
15. She has turned her back on you and begun playing nicely with her dolls.
16. Struggle between interrupting this rare moment of independent play and extracting an answer out of her. If you choose her lunch yourself, there is a 99% certainty she will reject it outright. If you bother her again, she will likely be hanging from your knees for the rest of the day.
17. Cautiously call from the kitchen. No answer. By all accounts, you are completely inaudible and invisible. Declare that if she does not give you an answer by the count of five, you will be selecting her lunch yourself.
18. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. You're eating grilled cheese.
19. Chicken nuggets it is! So glad we could get on the same page.
20. Prepare (ahem, microwave) child's lunch while she continues to play. Under your feet. Holding your ankles as you attempt to move about the kitchen.
21. Tell child to go play elsewhere. Further. Furrrrther.
22. Hey, sweetie, why don't you go make me a special lunch in your play kitchen? Great idea! Can't wait love youuuu.
23. Cut nuggets and arrange on plate the way toddler has always preferred.
24. Child approaches table suspiciously. "I wanted them big. I'm a big kid, I don't like them cut up."
25. You point out quite logically that he has never before expressed this feeling and you couldn't possibly have known. Next time, you'll leave them big.
26. No, you will not be throwing these away and making new, big nuggets.
27. No, you cannot put them back together.
28. Child is finally seated. Would she like ketchup?
29. No answer.
30. You return to the kitchen to prepare your own lunch. You are starving. You hear a plaintive cry from the other room.
31. "Mommy!" You rush to her side. What is it? NAPKIN!!
32. Of course! Provide child with a napkin. Return to kitchen.
33. "Mommy!" Back again, what could it be? FORK!
34. Ah! Right. Run back and forth to provide her with a fork. Then: KETCHUP!!!
35. Ooookay. Plop some ketchup on her plate. Oh, dear. A molecule of ketchup has made unsanctioned contact with an iota of a nugget chunk.
36. Note to self: never again say "nugget chunk."
37. Explain to toddler that she will be dipping the chicken in the ketchup anyway, so it's really no big deal. It's no big deal. IT'S NO BIG—
38. Angrily pop the offending piece into your own mouth. "NOW EAT YOUR LUNCH," you say in your most serious voice.
39. Toddler senses she has pushed her luck to its limit and takes several bites. "Delicious! All done. Can I have a treat?"
40. No, you cannot have a treat until you've eaten more of your lunch.
41. Child takes one more bite and again demands a treat.
42. Section off what you deem to be an acceptable portion of food and inform her that she may have his treat if she finishes that.
43. Watch her inhale the requisite bites in seconds and hope nothing gets lodged in her throat.
44. Offer fruit. Offer carrots. You are so hungry you might faint. Fork over some jellybeans.
45. Watch your child happily wander away with her treat. Resume preparation of your own sandwich.
46. Finally sit down after what feels like hours of standing and back and forth. Take one bite of sandwich. Feel a small pair of eyes on you and look down to see your child staring up at your lunch.
47. Can he have a bite? Sure.
48. How about another? Uh, okay.
49. Can he just have it? But! But! Oh for . . .
50. Mumble some expletives under your breath and hand him your sandwich, telling yourself it's far healthier than anything he'd normally agree to eat.
51. Hastily consume leftover, lukewarm chicken nuggets over the sink, using toddler-sized fork. Bon appetit!

Lunch: accomplished.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!