Tale of the tape
Replacement Ref Vs. Mom’s New Boyfriend, Mark
|Makes $8.40/hour.||Salary||Makes $8.40/hour.|
|Desperately saving money for Christmas, knowing full well that this gig could end at any second.||Financial Planning||Drank away all of this year's Christmas money already, keeps saying "Oh God, don't tell your mom, it'll be our little secret, OK? Don't tell your mother…Please?"|
|Awfully patches a sport's soul.||Image||Sports an awful soul patch.|
|Tries to buy LeSean McCoy’s affection with pleas of Fantasy Football glory.||Goals||Tries to buy your affection with poorly-thought out gifts.|
|Failed out of University of Phoenix.||Education||Failed out of University of Phoenix.|
|Takes the bus, probably.||Means of Transportation||Drives a Kia.|
|Has a complete lack of big game experience, which serves to further endanger both the quality and the sanctity of American's true game - that brutal ballet known as Professional Football.||Experience||Not real dad.|
The winner is
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