First the recap recap: all the blind auditions where someone held a note for a reeeeeeeeeeeeally long time and then the judges said nice things. In case you missed it!

Adam Levine picked up no new artists last night, Blake Shelton got the Spanish guy and someone else, CeeLo got Harry Potter and Christina Aguilera got one amazing singer who made her dance and one who clearly was a fluke. Bring on the big surprises and SOB STORIES.

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Guess someone forgot to tell Xtina that the blind auditions are pre-taped.

Contestant: Samuel Mouton
Sings: Bob Marley “Redemption Song”

This kid is a total stoner from Colorado. Seriously, even his dad calls him a loser (jokingly, we assume). He’s a pizza maker but amazingly enough that’s not his life dream! He says he wants to go for a Bob Marley style but being white and alarmingly not oppressed in any way, it seems like a stretch. But then! He starts singing and kills it. Adam turns around within notes and CeeLo follows suite. Xtina pushes and Blake stares the whole crew down with what could be described as a bemused look. Or perhaps he’s constipated, no one knows for sure. Xtina says she was relaxed by his performance and wants to know what his turn-ons are. We assume that means she wants some of his stuff (not that stuff, get your mind in a different gutter). CeeLo kinda kisses his booty and then Adam REALLY kisses his booty.
Joins Team: Adam

Contestant: Chris Trousdale
Sings: The Wanted “Glad You Came”

Ermahgerd guys, this dude was in Dream Street the little known boy band with Jesse McCartney! Obvs he found it hard to go from “that kind of success” to working at a sushi restaurant. He finds it embarrassing to get recognized by former boy band fans (all girls apparently). So embarrassing that he full on tears up. The man can cold rock a scarf though, no lie. Fittingly he performs a song by A CURRENT BOY BAND. And he manages to sing all the parts himself, no one tell The Wanted this is possible or four of them will be out of a job. The best part: he moonwalked a little. By best I mean worst. He saves the whole thing by challenging Blake to a dance off resulting in a country music moon walk. No really, that happened.
Joins Team: None, no one turns around — even worse, none of the judges recognize him

Note: Xtina did not flinch when The Wanted, who famously called her the B word after their appearance on The Voice last cycle, get a song performed. That’s professional.

Ooh the rejects package came early in this episode. Tonight’s theme: you just didn’t have the X Factor…no wait, that’s another show. They called it magic instead on The Voice. That would have been a sweet jab at tonight’s competition reality singing show though. Next time dudes, next time.

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Contestant: Nelson Emokpae (we are not calling this guy Nelly’s Echo)
Sings: Bill Withers “Ain’t No Sunshine”

Political unrest in Nigeria forced this contestant to leave the country as a little kid and arrive in America with only two suitcases. He and his two brothers turned to positive, uplifting music to sooth the pain. Now that he’s living the American dream he thought, hey why not try out for The Voice? Props to him, he starts killing it with a sparse arrangement of the Bill Withers classic featuring only him on guitar. Xtina is the first to turn. After he nails a specific note Adam was waiting for, his chair spins around. Blake has that forced, “I don’t get it?” grin on his face again. Despite chair dancing through the whole thing, CeeLo does not turn.
Joins Team: Xtina and he’ll undoubtedly regret it

Contestant: 2Steel Girls
Sings: Carrie Underwood “Before He Cheats”

Oh my, it’s The Voice’s first mother-daughter duo! Can they be the Judds? Mark as adorable: the brother and father are in the band too. Mom quit her job so they duo could come audition on The Voice. With a 10% unemployment rate, that’s a pretty sobby sob story. When they start, it’s clear mom’s the weak link…or the more nervous of the two. CeeLo takes a chance and pushes, forcing Blake to push also because heaven forbid he let someone else get a country artist. Gotta say, it’d be pretty cool to see these ladies on Xtina’s team. Starting to think she’s got an anti-country bias. Has she ever turned around for anyone with a Southern accent? Blake pulls out all the stops though, dropping y’alls and Gods and advice all over the place.
Joins Team: Blake, natch

Katy Perry montage! Xtina picks up a buttload of ladies singing the cotton candy songs. Adam takes a chick doing “When Loves Takes Over.” Guess we’ll get to know these ladies in the Battle Rounds, when your lack of a sob story doesn’t matter anymore.

Contestant: Domo
Sings: Pussycat Dolls “Don’t Cha”

Here we have a professional hip hop dancer from the Bronx who claims to be the Lady Gaga of China. So, a total narcissist. Homegirl talks about herself so much that the producers had to fast forward. She says she can dance like Janet and Michael Jackson and sing like Mariah Carey. Meanwhile, she sings a Pussycat Dolls song. CeeLo is in from the jump off. Almost before hip hop lady starts singing. Genuinely, this is horrible. It gets worse when she takes over and makes the crowd chant her name. No way this one makes it past battle rounds.
Joins Team: CeeLo

Fun fact! CeeLo actually wrote “Don’t Cha.” And he admits it was written for someone who can’t sing. JUST SAYING.

Contestant: Nicolle Nelson
Sings: Leonard Cohen “Hallelujah” (also made famous by Jeff Buckley and the guitar on this indicates they’re referencing his interpretation)

She’s a hippie who lives in a shoe factory in Vermont. Shockingly, there’s not a big music scene there so she’s ready for a bigger platform. Her backstory is thin but when she starts singing it’s clear why she made the show and the two Katy Perry girls didn’t. The audience are immediately moved but, not knowing how to express it, wave their hands around. Adam turns around first and is promptly followed by all the other judges at almost the same time. Adam gives her a standing ovation — if any of the judges get the gravity of singing “Hallelujah,” he’s it. The whole panel fall all over themselves begging her to be on their teams and rightly so. She was easily the best performance of the night. We know Adam really wants her because of all the shade he throws when Blake tries to make his case. Could we have found the most likely winner?
Joins Team:Adam and man did he work for it

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-Courtney E. Smith, CBS Local