Max: Jets' Slow Death, My Lost MacBook And The 5 Stages Of Grief
By Jared Max
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Rex Ryan reminds me of Del Griffith, John Candy's eternally optimistic character in "Planes, Trains and Automobiles."
Driving a vehicle that has few functioning parts, no side mirrors and a melted speedometer, Rex remains an eternal optimist. As the case has been since he became Jets coach, Rex refuses to acknowledge what seems transparent to most. His football team appears to be on a plane, on a train, on a Talking-Heads-road-to-nowhere.
Is Rex Ryan a textbook case of somebody negotiating the "Five Stages of Grief"? With little reason for hope this NFL season, Jets fans, I assume, are looking for comfort -- a large stick floating down the rapids to grasp onto -- to make what is the favorite time of year for most sports nuts equally enjoyable to those who "know what it means to be green and white." I know what it means to be blue.
As a result of recent circumstances in my life, no longer in my control, I have been experiencing emotions that I believe offer insight to where Rex's head is these days. While the 1-4 last-place Jets have been preparing to face both Peyton Manning's Broncos and Tom Brady's Patriots over a coming five-day period, I have been bracing for the worst possible news regarding my own situation, innately still remaining hopeful.
After flying on a jet to Newark last Friday night, I was driving home when I realized I had left my laptop in my seat pocket on the plane. Since, I have been consumed with thoughts I explored more than 20 years ago at Hofstra in a class titled "Psychology of Loss and Separation." The course, taught by a social worker who had lost her husband, was a study in Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' 1969 book, "On Death and Dying" -- a lesson in human behavior related to impending death.
Be it the loss of a pet, a loved one, a job, a relationship, or even our car keys -- our reactions to loss, to imminent death, are universal. Loaded with defense mechanisms, we take arms against our sea of troubles to make the stuff we just can't deal with seem manageable.
Rex Ryan has made a career of speaking positively, even when few can find reason for hope. Two days ago, he stated publicly that he does not expect to be the Jets coach unless his team turns its season around. Again, on Wednesday, Rex implored his beliefs to reporters -- that someway, somehow, this season will be resurrected. To many Jets fans, this seems an old act.
Not everybody experiences Kubler-Ross' five stages of grief in order. However, there is a common thread through each: "As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life."
The five stages:
DENIAL
Despite statistics that show the Jets have the worst record in the NFL (aside from the 0-5 Jaguars and 0-4 Raiders, who the Jets scored their lone victory against), and that they rank last in the league in passing, Rex Ryan made a strong case Wednesday that denial ain't just a river in Egypt. One day after announcing that he knows his job is at stake, Rex Ryan proclaimed in a jam-packed press conference, "I believe in this football team. 100 percent, I believe in this football team. And, I think we're gonna get this turned. I believe that. I believe the team is gonna get this thing turned. And, I believe 100 percent that we will get thing going in the right direction. And, quickly."
While driving on the New Jersey Turnpike late Friday night, I reached to my back seat to confirm that I had my computer. Temporarily, my mind tried to play a trick on me. "No, that's not your iPad in your backpack. The MacBook has to be inside, too." But, it wasn't.
ANGER
Jets fans, much like die-hards of some other New York sports teams (Mets and Islanders) have grown accustomed to disappointment and losing. Based on past performance, it can take only one game for anger to become a predominant emotion. While Jets fans might have been cautiously optimistic after a season-opening win over Oakland, four straight losses have compounded resentment. "Another year of this?!!" While fans of many teams are looking forward to the next 11 games, Jets fans, by and large, are disgusted that their highly coveted football season is already in the trash.
Since I have been separated from my laptop, I have been unable to keep myself from thinking about the unfortunate lowlife who might have stolen my property. Aware I may never be able to access my data or see thousands of photos I've shot since buying the MacBook at the start of 2014, I have had to catch myself from getting lost in an abyss of anger toward my situation -- toward a potential perpetrator -- toward an airline for its uncomforting, bureaucratic lost-and-found procedures -- toward myself for experiencing a momentary lapse in awareness when leaving the plane.
BARGAINING
This stage in Kubler-Ross' list pertains to a person believing he or she has the power to undo or avoid a cause of grief. "If only the Jets started Michael Vick instead of Geno Smith at quarterback ... If only the Jets had scored one more touchdown against the Packers, Bears and Lions, they could be 4-and-1." With three-quarters of the regular season remaining, Rex Ryan and Jets fans will be bargaining with reality until after Christmas. To outside observers, no amount of "what-if" scenarios change the proof which, undeniably, is in the pudding.
"What if that guy had not set fire to the air traffic center in Chicago, and my flight did not have to be rerouted, causing a 90-minute delay, I probably would not have been in such a rush to get off the plane, and I would be typing this entry into the Notes app on my MacBook as usual -- not into the Wordpad program on my Windows PC, needing to hit 'CTRL' + 'S' every few minutes to save my work."
DEPRESSION
Rex Ryan might not experience this stage until 2015, if he is unemployed. Jets fans, however, have been feeling heartache since the second or third week of this season. Depression manifests on disappointing Sundays. It can continue in following days. Players and fans may feel uninspired, resigned. As reality draws closer to another losing season, hope wanes.
Since I have been separated from my MacBook, I have kept to myself. I have not called either of my parents since returning from vacation because I do not want to talk about how my trip ended. It is my private pain.
ACCEPTANCE
While not all are afforded the luxury of reaching this stage, it is the ultimate goal in managing loss and grief. It is the time when Rex Ryan, Jets players and fans can say, "We gave it our best shot. We have no hard feelings. We accept our situation and will move on." Unfortunately, as Mets and Islanders fans have also come to know (and, Knicks and Nets fans, too), with each passing season that yields little success, it becomes increasingly more difficult to accept rooting for a team that offers such little reason for hope.
While I remain hopeful that my laptop will be returned, I have accepted the fact that I may never be connected to my electronic friend again. As Julie Axelrod wrote at psychcentral.com, the acceptance phase is "marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression."
Not only does Rex Ryan remind me of Del Griffith, he is reminiscent of another favorite movie character: media mogul Bill Parrish in "Meet Joe Black." Aware that his heart is ticking in a danger zone, Anthony Hopkins' portrays a man defiant of his mortality. Confronted by the voice of the grim reaper, Parrish is reminded of his place: "You're trying to handle the situation. But, this is one situation you never could handle."
To Jets fans, I hope that by reading this you are comforted, knowing that what you are feeling is normal. As Dr. Kubler-Ross taught us, the best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it will only prolong the natural process of healing.
Now, where the %$&@ is my MacBook?
Jared Max is a multi-award winning sportscaster. He hosted a No. 1 rated New York City sports talk show, "Maxed Out" — in addition to previously serving as longtime Sports Director at WCBS 880, where he currently anchors weekend sports. Follow and communicate with Jared on Twitter @jared_max.
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