Nina In New York: Next Topic, Please

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________

By Nina Pajak

Happy Monday! It's a brand new day, a brand new week, and I think we're due for a fresh start. To begin, there are some topics of news and conversation I respectfully request we retire, effective immediately.

1. Pumpkin spice. Okay, we get it. Pumpkin spice season is dumb and annoying. It's not that delicious, and yet its presence has proliferated during fall seasons over the years to the point where it is now pretty much literally impossible to enter a place of business and not find at least one item infused with the stuff. I drew the line when my local sushi restaurant offered a pumpkin spice salmon roll. Kidding. Or am I? But you know what's just as tired? MAKING JOKES ABOUT PUMPKIN SPICE. Enough, everyone. It's becoming uncomfortable to enjoy a perfectly acceptable slice of pumpkin bread or pumpkin pie or pumpkin chocolate cranberry turkey stuffing cheesecake without feeling self-conscious and like a "basic b*tch." We get it. Time to talk about something new, like the onslaught of unpleasant peppermint-chocolate combinations that are about to invade our lives on November 1.

2. Basic b*tches. I want to find this funny, but I think at this point that it's possible everyone calling people basic b*tches are, themselves, by definition, basic b*tches. It means you're trite and unoriginal and white and boring, right? Right.

3. Dallas healthcare workers on the move. Listen, I don't necessarily believe it's the fault of the individuals who have been exposed to Ebola that they keep "self-monitoring" from various forms of extremely public transportation. Clearly, the hospital and the CDC have some serious tightening up to do. But if I hear one more story about someone on Ebola watch going on a family vacation, I am going to be on the first rocket ship to Mars. YOU GUYS, WE ARE BEGGING YOU TO STAY IN DALLAS. Maybe you're fine, maybe you're not. Do you really want to find out while in the middle of the ocean, trapped in a tin can with thousands of other people? I understand that you may have pre-existing travel plans, and that it's a total bummer to be exposed to a deadly virus and then have to cancel your vacay on top of everything. But I am betting that Royal Caribbean or Delta or whichever company has your money would be happy to refund or transfer your tickets if they found out that you have put yourself in danger and may be suffering the consequences of choosing a selfless profession and also might require them to disinfect a bajillion dollar vehicle and notify a gazillion angry passengers. In fact, travel industry, can you guys get on board with this? Get the word out.

4. Spiders. From the story of the British family who received a deadly spider in a supermarket shipment of bananas to the tale of this poor guy with a spider living in his epidermis, to the headline about a "puppy-sized spider," to the news that hell descended on Earth in the form of 4,000 poisonous brown recluse spiders invading at Missouri home, it's all spiders all the time these days. Is the world actually more full of spiders than it was three months ago? Or did websites just catch wind of the idea that people will furiously click and share when their copy is filled with that delicate blend of terrifying, repulsive, and creepy? Whatever the reason, this needs to stop before I scratch all my skin off.

5. The Polar Vortex. They say it's coming back, due in town this winter. Unacceptable, I know. I refuse to believe this and speaking only makes it so. Shhhh. Just, shush.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!