By John Schmeelk
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Christmas is here! Rejoice! Until you have to watch the Knicks on Christmas Day. Then break out the eggnog and settle in for the most painful two-and-a-half hours of Christmas you will have to experience.
As the annual tradition goes, Santa Schmeelk is coming to town and presenting the Knicks with some gifts to help them get through this usually joyous, but now painful time of year. Ho ho ho! Here comes jolly old Saint Nick making things right in Knicks land.
Carmelo Anthony, for you I’ve brought the most wondrous gift of all: the most powerful sleep aid ever invented. This is the stuff we give the Bumble up at the North Pole when he gets out of hand. You’ll be out the entire season, and maybe next. While you are asleep, you can have knee surgery, and not experience all the losing that can help get the Knicks the top pick of the draft. Melo, I save you from this season, the greatest gift any Knick can have. I considered granting you a new hat, but my elves research tells me you own every hat ever designed.
Amar’e Stoudemire, for you I have the newest and best digital camera on the market. It’s clear that when playing defense you enjoy watching the opposition do its work unfettered. Now you can capture that magic from your unique up-close position, and enjoy it in digital format for the rest of your life.
Tim Hardaway Jr., sometimes Santa’s gifts are intangible, much like those of my second cousin, the Wizard of Oz. To you, I give a conscience. Perhaps now you will think twice before hoisting up that contested 25-foot jump shot. Now you will consider a “pass” before the basketball is launched towards the rim. This conscience might also make you consider playing defense, to make up for some of your ill-considered shots.
Jose Calderon, to you I grant a plane ticket. You have been thrown into a NBA albatross after playing for a team that took the Spurs to seven games in the playoffs last year. Leave, go and get out of here before it’s too late!
Iman Shumpert, here’s a gift card to Supercuts because, dude, have you looked in the mirror? You are not starring in House Party 8, but you will also be receiving the House Party Complete Movie Set. You will also receive a cassette tape, so you actually see what this #Knickstape thing you are always tweeting about is.
Quincy Acy, for you I give a razor, so you aren’t confused for a homeless man every time you leave Madison Square Garden.
To Cole Aldrich, I present to you a VHS video. It shows that the hook shot is not the only shot in basketball. It is similar to what you do at the free-throw line, but it occurs while the game is being played. Santa is very impressed by your ability to shoot 14-foot hook shots, but Madison Square Garden is very concerned about the well-being of its backboards.
Samuel Dalembert, for you a pair of Odell Beckham Jr.’s receiving gloves. Santa has never seen a man who is unable to catch even the simplest of passes. Santa hopes these enchanted gloves will help you catch the round orange thing you are too often unable to put into the orange cylinder only a couple of feet from your head.
Jason Smith, for you I bring three yard sticks. It does not appear that you realize your stature. You are a tall man, and do not necessarily have to take all your shots standing more than 15 feet from the hoop. There is this area on the court called the paint, and I invite you to venture there some day.
Shane Larkin, I give you what the Knicks should have given you a couple of months ago: the extension of your rookie contract. Though perhaps being given the ability to leave the franchise is the greatest gift anyone can get.
Pablo Prigioni, Santa’s favorite Argentinian, for you I get a PlayStation 4 because everyone loves you! You deserve something awesome. Merry Christmas, Prigs!
Travis Wear, I give you a Luke Walton highlight video — trust me, it was not easy to put together) — for it seems Phil Jackson is grooming you to fill that role with the Knicks.
Cleanthony Early, I give you a hearty congratulations for figuring out a way to remove yourself from this dumpster fire before it screws up your promising game.
Andre Bargnani, I give you a unique New York Knicks velour warm-up suit to keep you warm and fuzzy on the bench while you watch the team play. It’s stylish, comfortable and, most importantly, it will keep you on the bench away from booing Knicks fans.
J.R. Smith, Santa just doesn’t know what to give the man who has everything. More than anyone on Santa’s list, J.R., you live life to its fullest and do what you please no matter the consequences. Unfortunately, that very attitude has led my elves to put you on the naughty list. For you, some coal, but I have all the faith in the world that you will figure out something clever to do with it. Maye you can use it with your pipe that you are always tweeting about.
Derek Fisher, I gift thee a protractor. The triangle offense has been off-kilter and at times disastrous. It’s a system all about spacing and angles, both of which are measured by a protractor. May all your holiday triangles be equilateral or isosceles.
For Phil Jackson, the Zen Master — who chooses not to believe in good ole Santa Claus — we give you a four-leaf clover, a rabbit’s foot and the big part of the wishbone. Perhaps more than anything else, sadly, your Knicks tenure will be decided by a bunch of ping-pong balls in the spring. May the odds always be in your favor, Zen Master.
And finally, for James Dolan, I grant you the name and address of the Ernst & Young employee overseeing the draft-lottery process. Whether it be Eagles tickets, front-row seats to JD & The Straight Shot or perhaps a signed photo of Irving Azoff, just make sure the draft lottery goes the Knicks’ way. Make yourself useful for once.
For Knicks fans, I will try to bring Jahlil Okafor in June, but Santa Schmeelk is usually vacationing in Las Vegas by then. No promises. Santa Schmeelk also advises not to watch the Knicks on Christmas. Keep your day a happy one.
That’s it, folks. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
You can follow me on Twitter @for everything Knicks, Giants and the world of sports.
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