A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Yeah, it’s raining. it’s pouring. It’s snewling. It’s slaining. The old man’s complaining. He held his head, then he went to bed and he stayed there until April because THIS IS THE WORST. Let’s move on to some happier Monday morning fodder. While you were running to the supermarket yet again to stock up for the storm and fight over the last bag of triple-washed organic kale, science was busy releasing some great news on the “justify your dependency” front. Which is good news, because we’ve got nothing but indoor time until the spring thaw.

First, researchers in England have conducted a study that showed that coffee can reduce a woman’s risk of endometrial cancer. But not just coffee. A whole bunch of coffee! Four cups a day, in fact. And they don’t mean teeny little Euro demitasse jobbers, we’re talking 37 ounces, which can lead to an 18% drop in risk. For reference, that’s approximately a bottle and a half of wine. So you can totally be, like, super wasted off coffee every day and it’s good for you. So far, it’s a link and not a cause-and-effect, and they’ve got no idea why coffee might counteract this cancer. And worse, the study didn’t necessarily distinguish between decaf or regular, so it could be that a property shared by both is responsible for the health benefits. But let’s just put on another pot and bask in this half-news for as long as its on our side.

And speaking of getting super loaded off of a crap ton of wine without having to feel guilty, here’s another thing! Oregon State University scientists say that drinking red wine can help people lose weight by improving their body’s fat-burning efficiency. Turns out there’s a chemical in dark red grapes that impedes the growth of fat cells and the development of new ones. So, okay, before you start imagining your fab new butt, there are a few buts: the chemical can also be ingested by drinking unfermented juice from these particular grapes, or by actually, you know, eating the grapes. Also, it’s not going to be showing up in an infomercial for miracle weight loss drugs anytime soon—the research points to helping overweight people improve their liver health. If you eat junk and don’t exercise but eat grapes or drink wine, you’re not going to lose any weight. But your liver might function better, which is good! Also, I should probably point out that the study didn’t say you need a lot of this stuff to get the benefits. I believe the word “moderation” was invoked. Meh.

This is all good for me, because these grim, winter days always start off better with a jug or two of coffee. And twelve hours stuck inside with a feisty toddler mean that they end best with a glass or six of a nice, smooth Italian red. I’m going to do it anyway, so nobody ruin this for me.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!