Nina In New York: Curbing Cravings Is A Real Head-Tapper

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Dang it. Spring has sprung or is ideally forthcoming, and summer is right around the bend (we assume). And here I am, yet again, like a perfect sucker, still comfy cozy in my giant sweaters and maternity yoga pants (they're still acceptable because I'm maternal, right?) and five pounds of winter blubber. I shake my fist at you, pizza! A pox on both your houses, baked pasta! Every year you lull me with your siren songs of cheesy, bubbly warmth and your promises to keep me company lo these long, cold nights. You win again.

A recent report on CBS 2 illuminated some creative methods for controlling unhealthy food cravings, based on new research. Experts warn not to attempt to deprive yourself of the thing you want most, lest you go ape and binge in a couple of days. Rather, here are some of their suggestions:

• "Trick" yourself by pairing a little bit of the "bad" food with something healthy, like a few potato chips + a bevy of cucumber slices. This works well for people who already have a certain level of dedication to their diet, or those who have been lobotomized.
• Alternatively, you can try simply tapping on your own forehead for 30 seconds following an intense craving, in order to interrupt your brain circuits and redirect them. I'm very interested in this concept of DIY brainwashing and would like to do further experiments to find out how far I could really redirect my dumb-dumb brain circuits. Could I, say, convince myself to rob a bank? Or even go for a run? If I tap for 45 seconds, could I convince myself to enjoy running? If I tap myself for only 20 seconds, could I be persuaded to eat a plateful of cucumber slices instead of potato chips? More research is needed.
• Sometimes, it seems, all you need is a little distraction. If tapping yourself incessantly on the brow doesn't do it, you could try playing a brain-zapping video game on your phone, although the idea of using Candy Crush to quash a sugar craving doesn't entirely add up to me.
• Another expert even recommends a hot bath or a massage to fill the empty void of sadness you were hoping to fill with food. This, to me, sounds like the best idea out of the bunch, and as soon as I complete my floor-through penthouse with spa room and private masseuse, I plan to enact it. Otherwise, I suppose I'll be spending an awful lot of time in the bathtub. My kids will wonder if I'm okay, but eventually they'll get used to it. "Mommy can't play, she's in the bath again. She saw a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich on the side of a bus." "Can I get a ride? My mom is in the tub until this season of Top Chef: Masters is over." "Merry bathroom Christmas, Mommy! We'll incinerate the glazed ham as soon as you open your waterproof gifts."

I've got some other ideas to add. I don't pretend to be an expert in any formal sense, but I do have roughly twenty-five years of personal experience with craving control.

• If you're craving something bad for you, like a bar of chocolate, eat a bunch of other stuff until you feel sick. It can be healthy (half a watermelon), or not, as long as it's not a bar of chocolate. Even if you have to eat an entire wheel of brie, you can still consider yourself the victor if that candy bar remains untouched.
• Hide the goods. I like to keep my sweets in the freezer, tucked far back in the fridge behind Old Olive Village, or stashed in cabinets I never use (like the one which contains my cookie decorating equipment. If you happen to find it one day, you can treat yourself as a reward for having not eaten it all this time!
• Eat the thing you're craving, and then feel really bad about yourself for the next week. You'll snap yourself into shape for sure, you fat, fat, stupid loser! (I mean me, of course).
• Eat a tiny bit of the thing you're craving. Then a little bit more. Then just one more little bite because honestly what you just ate hardly even registers on a molecular scale. Okay, now one more bite. Now see previous bullet.
• Instead of eating the thing you want, drink a bunch of wine. You're not responsible for anything you eat subsequently, because you'll need to feed yourself lest you get sick like some skinny teenager. It's the adult thing to do.
• Allow yourself to have the thing you love once a week. Every Tuesday may now be pizza day. Once a week is fine! So Wednesday can be ice cream day, Thursday is pasta day, and Fridays and weekends obviously don't count. Monday's a drag, but at least you'll get pizza tomorrow!

See you on the beach. I'll be the one wearing the totally appropriate maternity skirted bathing costume.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!