Nina In New York: Muddy Puddles Aren't For Everyone

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
______________

By Nina Pajak

When you become a parent, you start noticing all the portrayals of motherhood in the media—sitcom parents casually drinking wine with friends and carrying on witty conversations while their infants quietly rest in their arms, ads of warrior moms jogging with strollers, young movie families having gleeful snowball fights. And there you are, working to liberate a pacifier from your toddler's hair while ignoring three incoming calls and trying not to think about the bottle of white in the fridge until bedtime.

But, wait. This isn't fair! You're a young mom. And you know it's not just the magic of television, because you see other young moms doing super cool things like taking their babies to beer halls and sticking them on the backs of vintage bicycles and teaching them how to sled and climb trees and generally enjoy life (according to social media photo evidence). You can do that, too! You're fun. You're cool. You can let loose. You will be that mom!

So it rains, and then it stops, and you have a great idea: you will introduce your toddler to the joy that is splashing in mud puddles. So you go! You don the rain gear and you squish around, spotting puddles, stomping in them, making imprints of your boots in the goo. You collect sticks and draw in the dirt. Your hands are filthy and your hair is getting all frizzy in the damp air and you are so damn cool, mama. Her clothes are speckled with mud and you're all like, "go ahead, kiddo! Do your worst!" This is childhood! You're doing it! You're making it happen! If she was old enough to form lasting memories, this would definitely be a good one. Yes, sure honey, you can pretend to draw on mommy's boot with a dripping wet stick. Why not? Yes, sure honey, you can pretend to draw on your boot too. We are young and carefree! Oh, uh oh. No, both feet on the ground. Wait, hang on, you can't draw on your foot while it's in the air and remain—SPLASH.

And, cue the hysterics. Bring child inside, strip her down against her will and toss her in the tub. Cue more hysterics. Bathe child, hand child to dismayed husband, bathe self (you're covered in mud too, obviously). Reflect back and wonder where you went wrong. Suddenly remember that nearly all of your most impressive attempts to be a fun mom or capture a precious moment have gone awry. First bite of food! Child regurgitates strained pears like you've fed her battery acid. First snowman! One millimeter of child's skin comes into contact with actual snow and she begins wailing, needs to be taken inside. First piece of cake! Child licks icing, loses interest, attempts to consume own fist until family gives up on photo op. First Halloween! Child sees man in wolf costume, shrieks and clings to you until you take her home without having recouped a single piece of candy.

You didn't do anything wrong out there in that puddle except fool yourself into thinking it would go smoothly. Once you've realized this, you take strange solace in the knowledge that nothing will ever happen the way you plan. Then you take more solace in imagining those cool social media children bursting into tears the moment the camera shuts off. There's just no way they didn't. One day, our kids will appreciate our efforts to enrich their lives. But probably not until they've exacted sufficient karmic justice for the time your parents took you to the beach as a toddler and you remained in the center of the blanket, ate your lunch at 9am and then immediately requested to take a taxi home. It's going to be a while.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!