By John Montone, 1010 WINS

A coyote walks into a bar and the bartender says…

Hi, this is John Montone.

I’ll get back to the bar in due time but first…in recent weeks coyotes have attacked two men in the Jersey ‘burbs of Saddle River and Norwood.

While coyotes are classified as omnivores meaning they will pick on plants and insects for an appetizer for their main course the menu consists of meat. Mostly small servings of rodent or bird, but as we have now learned they’ll also take a bite out of human flesh. We are meat. Meaty me. Meaty you.

Wildlife experts have long assured us that coyotes want nothing to do with humans. Following the coyote biting a Norwood man’s leg, the Mayor of that community told residents that if a coyote starts stalking them, make a little noise and, “It will go away.” But the mayor admitted that if the coyote was not spooked by say the jingling of change, he had no other advice. Then said the mayor, “You’re in trouble.”

And the mayor also told his constituents that the coyote was no lone wolf. Cops who caught it found two coyote dens in the woods. Woods that border streets where the meaty people population makes its home.

The Norwood and Saddle River attacks followed coyote sightings in Chelsea and on the roof of a bar in Long Island City. The coyote’s appearance at the drinking establishment prompted the bartender to say, “He didn’t pay his tab and ran out.” And it allowed me to report that while cops gave chase they did not catch the animal because, “New York’s finest are not New York’s fastest.” Unlike Warren Zevon’s, “Werewolves of London,” who sipped pina coladas at Trader Vics, this coyote didn’t even have time for a beer, I said on the radio. Of course, my flippant remarks will end as soon as a coyote bites my meaty…rear end.

Coyote at a bar. Coyote running through traffic in Manhattan. What’s next? Well, this being New York City one would think even a coyote would figure out that the fastest way to get around town is by subway. So get ready for, “A coyote hopped on an uptown D-train. Police say the coyote did not buy a Metro Card. Instead it jumped the turnstile at Times Square and got off at Columbus Circle where it hailed a taxi.”

Okay. I made up the last part. I mean what cabby would pick up a coyote?

Be well.

 

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