Nina In New York: Deep Thoughts After Two Years Of Motherhood

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Last week, my daughter turned two. It was exciting for her and everything, but I think we can all agree this is mostly about me.

After her first year of life, I sat back and took a moment to reflect on the depths of knowledge I'd gained during my first year of parenthood. I thought about how silly and foolhardy and hubristic I'd been, and how lucky I was to have gained a year of wisdom. Now that another year has passed, I've come to realize some more important truths that I'd like to share with those less experienced than I, master of two whole years as a mother to one single child.

1. The most crucial bit of insight that I've gained this year is that no matter how much I learn and do and see, I will never, never stop being quite stupid. My stupidity may continue to morph and branch into different arenas of child-rearing, but it is subject to the same physical laws as all matter on Earth: it cannot be created or destroyed. It simply exists in a finite amount. It does not shrink, rather it simply flows from one year into the next, leaking through various holes until they are full, at which point it moves onto the next bunch of gaps in my abilities. Am I less stupid about babies? Sure, maybe. This in no way prepared me to be less stupid about my toddler. And my toddler-rearing days will leave me similarly stumped about my preschooler. And none of it will help me if I ever have more than one kid. This concept becomes less terrifying when you just accept it.

2. Okay, fine, it's not actually about me. It's about her. All the time. For the rest of my life. It's beginning to sink in.

3. No means no. Yes means no. No means yes. Yes means potato. Potato means NOOOOOOOO! Up means down. Frozen waffles > toasted waffles. If you cut food incorrectly, it is rendered inedible. Everything tastes better when delivered on a "big fork." Spatulas make terrific bath toys. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ARGUE ABOUT ANY OF THESE THINGS.

4. It takes approximately 23 minutes to put on size 5 toddler shoes in order to go outside.

5. Don't let her into your bed. I don't care how tired she is, how much she's begging, how many times she agrees to sleep when you tell her that's what mommy's bed is for. She is lying. Those big, gorgeous, wet eyes are lying to you. When she says she'll go to sleep, what she means to say is, "I'll jump on your head and poke you in the nose while you try to sleep." She just doesn't have the language for it yet.

6. Don't say anything in front of a toddler that you wouldn't want them to hear. Don't mention the c-word (cookie), don't mention the p-word (present), the b-word (birthday), and for the love of all that is holy, don't mention the d-word (Dora).

7. Similarly, don't tell any anecdotes to friends about how she's funny or driving you crazy or how you tricked her into eating a vegetable. She will hear you. She will understand without giving any indication. You just leaked your battle plans to Napoleon.

8. Parents of toddlers can spell any word aloud or decipher any spelled word with remarkable speed. There should be a special parent spelling bee. Your word is: chocolate. Chocolate. "I just bought myself a chocolate bar, but I need to wait until nap time to eat it." Chocolate.

9. In the world of parenthood, fun, satisfaction, and aggravation share a directly proportional relationship.

10. The same goes for complexity of plans and rate of failure of said plans.

11. On the other hand, the more you want your child to eat something and the harder you've worked to prepare it, the less likely she is to even allow one molecule to pass her lips.

12. There is nothing wrong with frozen pizza.

13. When a parent of another two-year-old tells you that her seemingly non-verbal child can sound out words and read aloud, just smile and tell her that's terrific. Life is too short. It's her kid's problem, not yours.

14. You won't think it's possible to actually despise another child until you see one be mean to yours on the playground. Steady, easy girl. Easy.

15. In lieu of yoga, drink wine.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!