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Nina In New York: How To Bathe Your Toddler In 29 Easy Steps

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

A lot of people see child-rearing as a difficult occupation. In some ways, it is. It is extremely hard work and important stuff, too. But honestly, it isn't rocket science. Stupid people have proliferated in far greater numbers than smart ones since the dawn of man, and so far we have eluded extinction. So here, to assuage the fears of nervous first-time and aspiring parents, is a little tutorial on a basic, quotidian aspect of toddler care: bathtime.

Step 1: Begin running bath. It takes approximately seven minutes for water to reach desired temperature. You can use this time to prepare your toddler for her bath.

Step 2: Locate toddler. She was right here a second ago. Where could she have—

Step 3: Race into your bedroom to find toddler sitting in a pile of tangled necklaces, holding a tube of lipstick. "Wanna wear chapstick, mommy? Wanna? Wanna wear chapstick mommy?" Subtly remove lipstick from toddler's hands without leading her to understand how badly you don't want her to have it. Begin picking through the rubble of your jewelry collection.

Step 4: Realize the water has been running for 15 minutes. The hot has gone back to cold. Turn off faucet, decide to ready toddler for bath while the water heater catches up.

Step 5: Place toddler on changing table. Begin peeling off clothes while pleasantly chatting so as to distract her from the fact that you're taking off her clothes.

Step 6: You have failed. Engage in wrestling match to remove her shirt, to which she has become maniacally attached. She begins to scream for the iPad, her go-to bargaining chip.

Step 7: Try very hard not to scream back.

Step 8: Sweaty and exhausted, you remember that you still need to run the damn bath. Decide to set her down and deal with this shirt situation later while you get the water going. To save time, you put the stopper in the drain and figure you can correct for temperature before she gets in.

Step 9: Resume negotiations surrounding removal of toddler's shir—what the?

Step 10: Locate toddler.

Step 11: Console sobbing child, who has "gotten stuck" between two lightweight, extremely moveable pieces of soft furniture.

Step 12: Give her the stupid iPad so you can get the shirt off.

Step 13: Crap! The bath! Run in and turn off faucets just in time. Let a little drain. Call toddler into bathroom, you're ready.

Step 14: Narrowly avoid dropping iPad into full tub as you attempt to pry her tiny, white knuckles from around its sides.

Step 15: You forgot her towel in the other room. Run and get it. Return to bathroom. This is happening.

Step 16: Toddler is back in possession of iPad. You are about to take it from her when she gets that glazed over look in a moment of odd concentration. Oh, no. "Poo poo," she declares.

Step 17: iPad is back on. Change diaper. "Accidentally" drop your $400 electronic device behind the dresser. Oops! Bye bye, iPad! We'll get it later.

Step 18. Carry child directly into tub. There's no time to lose.

Step 19: Wash child. The term "greased pig" comes to mind.

Step 20: You have forgotten the comb. Rake conditioner through her hair with your fingers, dump water over her head and immediately begin draining bath. Ask child if she would like to get out now.

Step 21: It was sort of a rhetorical question. Time to get out.

Step 22: Slump over side of tub and watch toddler engage in the only ten minutes of independent play she has offered all day. Feebly remind her from time to time that bath time is over. Okay, now it's over. NOW it's over.

Step 23: When she begins "swimming" in 1/8th of an inch of water, you decide to call it.

Step 24: Wrap her in towel, return to changing table. Open towel to put diaper on.

Step 25: Immediately close towel due to shrieking toddler insisting that you do so.

Step 26: Wrap stuffed bunny in towel with her. Also stuffed owl. Also that plastic dog. Also this hair bow. Ummmm, also that thermometer. And a pacifier. And this book. All right, that's enough.

Step 27: Dry, dress, comb child. Turn out lights.

Step 28: Kiss child, hand her to partner for bedtime proceedings. Exit room.

Step 29: Lie down on bed "for a minute." Realize your iPad is trapped behind the dresser until tomorrow. Attempt to retrieve wine and glass from the kitchen downstairs using only your mind.

See? Simple.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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