Schmeelk: Tortured Knicks Fans Can't Help But Think The Worst On Draft Lottery Day
By John Schmeelk
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I was right to pen my rational look at the draft lottery on Monday because on Tuesday, the fan hat is on.
It's not coming off.
I woke up this morning, and the first thing I thought about were those damn ping-pong balls. It comes down to this: Knicks fans have had to deal with the worst season in franchise history since October, yet somehow this day managed to sneak up on Knicks fans a little bit. On Tuesday night, Knicks fans get to find out exactly how good of a reward they get for all their suffering. It's an exciting night, but one with potentially dire consequences. Here is a look into the deep dark psyche of Knicks fans that have been disappointed time and time again for 15 years. This is what you call the stream of consciousness of a Knicks fan. It's not pretty.
It is all left to fate. The Knicks had their worst season in their 69-year history. The worst season in almost 70 years! Seventeen wins! Yet, somehow, the team only has a 20 percent chance at the top pick, and a 44 percent chance of picking fourth or fifth. What the hell? The Kings, who already have a franchise player in DeMarcus Cousins and won 29 games last year, have a 21 percent chance of finishing in the top three and a 44 percent chance of finishing sixth.
17-65 for that? Not fair, right Knicks fans? Right? Damn straight.
Just look at what Knicks fans have had to endure! Most of it is here:
That's what I call "One Shining Moment."
Yet, somehow, the Knicks sold nearly every ticket this year. Knicks fans, or at least a bunch of tourists, kept showing up to games. People paid to watch Cole Aldrich and Alexey Shved run the pick-and-roll. People paid to watch Lou Amundson (attempt) to dunk the basketball. Jason Smith's mid-range jumper was the main attraction. People actually paid good money to see all that. There is no proof, but it is distinctly possible the CIA forced terrorists to watch Knicks games until they gave up sensitive information.
Knicks fans might as well have gone to Westeros, and paid Roose and Ramsay Bolton to flay them alive. It would probably be more pleasant and cheaper than it would be to go to a Knicks game this year.
Knicks fans deserve the top pick on Tuesday night. No, you know what? I'm not even going to get greedy. To hell with that. I know we're dealing with the Knicks here.
Top two? Can we do Top two? Can Knicks fans get a real center to continue the legacy of Patrick Ewing? We all loved the Eddy Curry and Jerome James experience, but I think all of us are ready to move on to a new post presence at the center position. Ewing couldn't get New York a title, but the franchise always had a chance to win when he was manning the middle.
And for all those fans that booed Ewing in his final seasons, I hope you have seen what you wrought. That sort of ungrateful garbage is one of the reasons we are here today. Know this is partially your fault for pressuring the organization to trade him, rather than allowing him to play out his NBA career with class and dignity. Thanks, guys. Seriously, good work. You idiots are the ones that deserved the last 15 years, not the rest of us.
Sadly, this is a one-time shot for the Knicks. It's this year or bust to get a transformational young player in the draft. Do you know why? They traded their 2016 first-round pick for Andrea Bargnani. Andrea frickin' Bargnani! Of course, even before that trade the Nuggets could have swapped picks with the Knicks anyway.
James Dolan still has to give the Nuggets three grandchildren, his guitar from his "JD & the Straight Shot" tour with the Eagles and his brain for medical research after he dies to complete that Carmelo Anthony trade. By the time 2017 rolls around, between the free-agent signings and whomever they draft this year, odds are the team won't be bad enough to get a top-three pick without substantial luck from Phil Jackson's fabled basketball gods.
Oh, and by the way, who is the team sending to the podium to represent the Knicks at the lottery to garner as much good karma as possible? Jackson, the franchise leader with a bazillion rings? Nope. Derek Fisher, the young head coach? Negative. Alright, well then at least Anthony will go right? Apparently he didn't want a national stage to show off his wide array of hats.
OK, then send a Knicks legend. John Starks, Larry Johnson and Allan Houston all work for the team. Ewing, despite being with Charlotte, would also be appropriate considering he was the last first overall pick for the Knicks. I'd even take Herb Williams! Sorry. Not happening.
Instead, the team is going to trot out general manager Steve Mills, whose unofficial title is "Ultimate James Dolan Lackey" and who was a big part of running the team into the ground during its darkest years. The only guy who would have brought along a darker cloud would have been Isiah Thomas himself.
And would anyone be surprised if after the Knicks got a top pick, Mills ripped off his face -- "Mission: Impossible" style -- revealing a maniacally cackling Thomas underneath? He would then pull out a contract signed in blood, covered in pentagrams, that shows he will always run the Knicks for eternity thanks to a deal he made with the Prince of Darkness a long time ago. He would then trade the first overall pick in the draft for Brook Lopez, Deron Williams and Joe Johnson.
See, this is where the draft has sent my mind. Very dark places. Once I know where the team is picking, I'll rationalize that it can get a good player in that spot (unless they pick fifth, in which case I will be absolutely despondent and will rant and rave until my wife throws me out of the apartment.) But until it happens, I'm going to assume the worst is going to happen. Why? That's what happens to the Knicks.
I polled as many Knicks fans as possible over the weekend. Until I prodded them, most refused to even give their prediction of where the Knicks would pick. They are that paranoid. When I told them to give me their gut feeling, they all asked me to confirm the lowest they could go. When I told them fifth, they told me that's their answer. It would put the Knicks just outside the consensus top-four players in the draft, into the land of massive bust potential. There's a 12 percent chance this happens. To Knicks fans, it seems more like 120 percent.
I take back what I said before. Anything in the top four works. Just don't get the fifth pick!
That's what watching this team for a decade has done to fans. There is nearly a 90 percent chance the team picks fourth or higher but because of all the suffering and losing, Knicks fans assume the worst will befall them. It's the stuff of serious psychological disorders. On a night Knicks fans should be excited for the start of a bright future, they are far more afraid that another bad-luck lottery nightmare is going to happen. They'll miss out on Stephen Curry by one pick again because of the stupid odds and ping-pong balls. Can you blame them? Let's just get this over with so the next losing season can start.
My friend Ian, who shares my Knicks season tickets with me (and yeah, I was one of the dumb ones to renew for next year), made a depressing point to me. I went back and checked it, and for the most part it's accurate. In any given year, there will be one really good or great player in the top 4 of the NBA draft. In a good year, maybe two. The third will be a serviceable player. The fourth will be a bust. And those players rarely order 1-4. There have been years where the fourth player taken has been the best one. So even if the Knicks get the pick they want, they may still screw it up.
On Tuesday night it all ends, and it all begins. It's the end of the worst basketball Knicks fans have ever seen. It could be the beginning of a new era of Knicks basketball built around a homegrown star they get with a top pick in the draft. Or, it could be the start of another descent into darkness for another decade. It's time to get it over with. Put Knicks fans out of their misery already.
Hope? Who needs it? Knicks fans have been teased with it for far too long.
Now let's go out and get the top pick in the draft! Karl Anthony-Towns or bust! Lose for Okafor! Flex some muscle for Russell. Make a play for Mudiay! A Festivus for the Rest of Us!
And for goodness' sake, Knicks, for once don't screw it up.
NOTE: This was mostly tongue-in-cheek, and I hope it got a couple laughs out of you. I am honestly freaked out. I'll be thrilled with a top-two pick and satisfied to be in the top four. Just don't finish fifth.
You can follow me on Twitter @Schmeelk for everything Knicks, Giants and the world of sports.
