Nina In New York: The Fountain Of Youth Never Felt So Far Away
A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak
This isn't to say that some of us have literally unlocked the secrets of time travel and manipulation, and it has nothing to do with plastic surgery or a person's Botox schedule. It's about our biological ages—our strength, IQ, teeth, health, organ function, and outward appearance. Researchers tested people who were all 38 years old and found that the biological ages ran from 30 to 60.
Man, that's some hard living.
Experts explain the variation as being a result of both hereditary and lifestyle factors like diet, smoking and drinking, exercise, hygiene, etc. But nowhere in this article is there mention of whether parenting was taken into account among those studied. I'm going to take a wild guess that those who skewed on the "haggard" end of the spectrum all had children.
Kids keep you young and lively and bring joy and blah blah blah, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it was abundantly clear that the childless people I know and see on Facebook have generally got it going on. Here is what we have:
Unbridled, unconditional love
Grey hairs. So many grey hairs.
Bags under our eyes from lack of sleep.
Worry lines on our brows which appeared as soon as our first child was born and will only deepen every year of their lives (doubly so for multiple kids).
Flabby tummies that, with intense diet and exercise, don't really get less flabby but rather just sort of rearrange the cellulite pattern.
Cellulite!
Cavities, because you are crazy if you think I'm spending a day off at the dentist.
Dry skin, because who has time for moisturizing?! Who am I, Cleopatra?
Reduced cognitive abilities, from being so distracted by worries and sleep issues and macaroni purple crayon GET YOUR FEET OFF THE SOFA RIGHT NOW. Also, reading? Books? Like, whole books that don't have pictures? What am I, the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey?
Actually, our muscle tone is surprisingly good. Yours would be too if you had to haul around groceries, a 50 lb diaper bag and an uncooperative toddler.
Pale or sallow pallor, because if you think I'm taking my kid on vacation again you're crazy.
The childless, on the other hand, have incomes that allow for world travel and schedules that accommodate luxuries like lingering brunches, sleeping until noon, gym routines, and regular dental and medical care. They can take Nyquil when they're sick because no one will wake them that night due some freakish, psychic ability to know when they've taken a sedative. Like honestly, how does she know? They can keep up with movies and magazines and popular culture and have uninterrupted thoughts and nurse a hangover with the proper level of respect it demands.
Thankfully, we've got something else they don't have: tiny people who will grow into big people who will (hopefully, probably) look after us when we're aged and infirm. At this rate, we'll be calling upon them sooner rather than later. They should start teaching elder care in elementary schools.
Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!
