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Nina In New York: A Toast From The Flower Girl

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Hello, everyone! For those of you who don't know me—ha ha ha! I'm only joking. Of course you all know me. I'm the flower girl. I'm THE Flower Girl. I'm three years old! Oh, wait. I'm two. Okay? You might remember me from a couple of hours ago during the ceremony when I melted all your hearts with my adorable antics. Yay! Clap clap! Yes! Thank you so much! Yay! Go ahead, clap clap! Oh! You in the front, yes, you ma'am, with the pink sparkly dress and the coat that looks like a dog I'd like to hug. Hi. I like your sparkly and your dog.

Anyway, I'm the groom's niece. Also, he's my uncle. The bride, I've been told, is not exactly my uncle, but she's my aunt and closely related to him in a way I haven't quite parsed out. I think they might work together and also live together, but they don't have any children so something here doesn't track. I love them so much, and one time they bought me a giant stuffed turtle but another time they got me a Play-Doh kitchen. Anyway, I was so excited when they asked me to be their flower girl. Then I forgot about it for six months, and then I was so excited when my mom told me I was going to be their flower girl a few days ago. I've barely been able to sleep. WHEN IS THE WEDDING GOING TO GET HERE? CAN WE GO TO THE WEDDING NOW? HOW ABOUT NOW? Ha ha. My mom is a good sport. Hi mommy. That's my mom. Mom? Hi mom. Mom? Hi mom. Can I try your pasta?

Guys, that pasta is DELICIOUS. Actually, no. It's repulsive. No. I don't want it. I don't want it! Someone hold out a hand so I can gag dramatically and spit into it. Oh, thanks, mom. That's my mom, you guys. Mom? Hi.

So here we are at the wedding! It's a fun wedding, as far as I can tell. My grandparents are all here, and my parents are drinking wine, and I ate 47 cheddar cheese cubes during the cocktail hour. Most of them all at once! Man, what a party. Being a flower girl is cool, because you get to dress up like a fluffy princess and walk down the aisle and everyone takes your picture and looks at you, and then you get to throw shredded up flowers on the ground. It's a bit of a mixed message, if I'm being honest, because up until this point the rules surrounding live flowers and throwing things have typically skewed in the opposite direction. But hey! It's a party, right? Besides, there's so much I don't understand about what's happening here. Like, for instance, who are all of you people and why have you gathered to admire me? Thank you, by the way. I can't help but notice the absence of presents for me, but the dancing more than compensates for poor planning on the toy front. Can we dance now? Oh, can I try your cornbread, Grandma? No, it's disgusting. Please remove it from my sight.

Wait, I need another bite. Gross. I'll just take the whole thing. Okay? Thank you, grandma!

I love my aunt and uncle and am so excited for them to be married! Mostly because my parents told me that they're excited, and we're typically on the same page when it comes to these things. I don't know a lot about marriage, except that my parents are married and my grandparents are married and my friends' parents are married, but I'm not married and I'm definitely not married to my mom or my dad or my dog. That's something we cleared up earlier this week. Boop boop! I am a robot. Twinkle twinkle little WEDDING! Ha ha ha! Want me to throw more flowers? Or I can do a spinny dance thing until I fall down. That one usually kills. How about I just let each of you throw me in the air infinity times? Sounds like a win-win to me.

Okay, I'm getting the "wrap it up" signal from my mom. Apparently it's time for me to say goodnight. I'm not sure where everyone is going, but I hope you all had fun. I'll just be here, dancing and eating cheese cubes. Maybe forever, I'm not sure how long these things last. Oh, what's that? I'm being told that I'm the one who's leaving. Guess that means the party is over! Bye, go home. It's been great, everyone. You're a terrific audience. See you again at the wedding later, like maybe tomorrow at 6 a.m. or possibly in a week at some random and unpredictable time. Who knows? Bye, I don't really wanna hug you.

Now I'll lead you in a round of "Row, row, row your boat." Yay!

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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