Nina In New York: Breaking News: Dads Are A Little Fat.

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

Oh, boy. Or should I say, oh, men. In so many ways, they've had it easier than women. Their bodies don't hemorrhage on a monthly basis. They can go to the beach without dedicating hours and hundreds of dollars to body hair removal. They can be sort of squishy and bald and old and still have little trouble finding a mate. They still don't understand why we ladies don't want to take an UberX alone in the middle of the night. They aren't responsible for medicating themselves with hormones to prevent unwanted pregnancies, and they can flit around from flower to flower, spreading their pollen or whatever nature metaphor I was trying to go for before I got bored and gave up.

Sure, there's lots about manhood that I'm certain is stressful and complicated. But at least biologically speaking, while we may be the fairer sex, we definitely have more to kvetch about.

Take, for instance, the joy of bearing new life. While pregnancy is a unique experience and in many ways, a privilege, let's not get it twisted. That stuff will MESS YOU UP. I just . . . I won't get into details. Those who know, know, and those who don't probably prefer to keep it that way.

But forgive me if I laugh when I see in national news that there was a legitimate, published scientific study which concluded that fatherhood leads to weight gain. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ba ha ha ha ha haaaaaa. Bah.

We women have been gaining weight post-childbearing since before it was cool. It would actually be a criminal misuse of scientific funds to conduct a study to determine whether women gain weight in motherhood. The answer is yes. Yes. A thousand pounds yes. But it's okay, guys. We get that this is harder on you. You used to lose ten pounds just by switching to Diet Coke. You mysteriously decided to pick up jogging as we were coming to terms with having outgrown all pants with buttons. Literally, all of the pants. Not just the small ones with buttons, or the medium ones with buttons. ALL OF THEM. Then when we were sitting on our suddenly massive rear ends nursing the newborns, you were running around during daylight hours, interacting with fellow, Earth-dwelling humans and even engaging in commerce from time to time. So we can understand why it might be a bit jarring for you when you realize that it wasn't just your wives who got soft after the kids were born. Welcome to the club, buddies.

Of course, this study comes amid a thriving trend of celebrating, even romanticizing the "dad bod" in popular media. And at the same time, actresses are photographed in alarming numbers, showing off their impossibly tight bodies six weeks postpartum, accompanied by captions about how they owe it all to breastfeeding. It's enough to make a girl want to barf, and then eat fifteen sleeves of Thin Mints and then drink three and a half glasses of rose and then go on an incoherent rant about how real she is and how her life is hard and she deserves to eat some damn cookies because WHAT ELSE DOES SHE HAVE LEFT.

Sorry about your extra guts, guys. Call us when an issue of Us Weekly makes you feel feelings.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!