Nina In New York: Who Will Be America's Next Top Idiot?

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

The idiot race this week is a hot one. Here are the finalists. I can't wait to see who wins!

There's Mike Huckabee, Republican presidential hopeful and consummate sufferer of Holocaust foot-in-mouth disease. He likened Obama's Iran nuclear deal to the country of Israel being marched to "the oven doors." Then, when given the chance to clarify or backtrack, he held fast, explaining that he's been to Auschwitz three times and has, himself, stood in front of those doors. "I know what they look like," he said. Oh. Well, in that case. We didn't realize you'd been a tourist at a concentration camp, Mike. That must have been really, uh, scary for you. That's a horse of a completely different, incredibly ignorant and offensive color. Carry on. Way to give Trump a run for his money, bud! Congratulations. You are still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Idiot.

Next up is, of course, Trump himself. Well, not exactly. His advisor and attorney, Michael Cohen, from whom the candidate has since distanced himself somewhat, went on a rage-filled rant at a couple of Daily Beast reporters who were inquiring about an old claim of spousal rape by Trump's ex-wife, Ivana. During the conversation, he strongly asserted the nonexistence of spousal rape. "By the very definition, you can't rape your spouse. It is true, you cannot rape your spouse. And there's very clear case law," he's quoted as having said. Aside from this being an incredibly backwards and hideous way of thinking, it also happens to be factually and legally untrue. Cohen has backed off and apologized, saying that he was so infuriated by the line of questioning that he spoke inarticulately. I'd argue that he's unfamiliar with the definition of "inarticulate." Nevertheless, he's still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Idiot.

But, wait. Who's this? A relative unknown has entered the competition, and he may have just stolen the cup! Why, it's Minnesota dentist and lion slayer, Dr. Walter Palmer! Cue obvious lines drawn between sadism and dentistry. Palmer paid $55K to have some local guides and hunters in Zimbabwe help him lure out a beloved lion from his protected home so that he could kill him, skin him and behead him and then dump his mangled remains. The lion, affectionately nicknamed Cecil, was collared and being observed as part of a scientific study and was known to be relatively friendly toward humankind, which made him all the more vulnerable to being trapped and murdered by a vicious dentist and his henchmen. The henchmen are being held legally responsible, but the dentist is claiming that, as far as he knew, he was acting within his rights as a worthless piece of human garbage large game sport hunter. Palmer is on record as having killed many other species of animals, including some endangered. For instance, a polar bear! I'm sure his great-grandkids will love hearing about how great granddad Walt pointlessly murdered one of those mythical white bears they read about in the history e-books. What a legacy.

So, it comes down to this. Three men, all wonderfully stupid in their own special ways. Two of you spewed offensive and irresponsible rhetoric into the public sphere. One of you travels the world spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to kill beautiful, exotic, wild animals. Who will it be?

Dr. Walter Palmer, please step forward. YOU ARE AMERICA'S NEXT TOP IDIOT! You win a chance to be virtually flayed alive by the Internet, after which point you will likely need to disappear and start a new dental practice under a new name. But hey: at least you're not a dead lion (and his likely dead cubs). Good luck and best wishes!

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!