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Nina In New York: Hitchhiking Robot Obviously Gets Murdered In America

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

 

Oh, hitchBOT, we hardly knew ye.

You were but a young robot, fresh out of the laboratory. You did what so many naive, recent grads decide to do when they set out into the world: bum around, depending on the kindness of strangers. hitchBOT did it the old fashioned way, hitchhiking. It's not exactly considered safe these days, but he was an old fashioned kind of robot. It's not his fault, he was just built that way—as a social experiment in trust between man and robot. Sadly, this time, man won. Or lost, as the case may be.

He'd started his journey in his native Canada, made it around some of Europe, and departed on his American tour, as our forefathers did, from the shores of Massachusetts. His goal, much like our later forefathers, was to travel from ocean to ocean and end up in San Francisco. After enjoying a culturally enriching tour of Boston, Rhode Island and Connecticut, he naturally wanted to see New York. What wide-eyed ingenue doesn't? One might assume that the mean streets of Gotham would have been where hitchBOT met his untimely end. But in fact, he made it through our city unscathed, even stopping to take a nap in Midtown (generally inadvisable).

Sadly, there's a reason anti-hitchhiking laws exist in our country, and it turns out that Philadelphia is it. City of brotherly love? More like city of robot torment. While on his way through, he was . . . well, he was savaged. The makers of hitchBOT declined to post a photo of his damaged body, for fear of frightening "young fans." So, that ought to tell you something.

I know that we're living in a different era than those heady days when our parents thumbed their ways across America, singing "This Land Is Your Land" and spreading messages of peace and love. But what has the world really come to, when an innocent robot can't even make it from Boston to Philly without being dismembered? Maybe I'm naive, but it makes me sad. I mean, the kid had pool noodles for arms. Who would harm a guy who has pool noodles for arms? Come on, Philly. Come. On.

Look to your sins, Philadelphia! And look within yourselves. You dropped the ball. You broke the trust exercise. Germany left him alone, but he barely made it more than 300 miles on our tough terrain! What's wrong with us? Why can't we be nice? New York will do its best to protect you, but when the robots who have lasers and semi-automatic weapons for arms come to avenge their noodle-limbed prodigal son, we know where they'll be heading first.

But all is not lost. Ever the optimistic Canadian, hitchBOT is still tweeting and seems to feel confident that he'll be repaired and returned to the broad highways of these United States. In the meantime, I suggest we attempt to clean up our acts and do a little soul-searching. Give us another chance, hitchBOT. We're mostly nice, we promise. We'll do better next time. Trust us. We'll make it up to you.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!

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