Nina In New York: So Many Breakups, So Little Carbs

A lighthearted look at news, events, culture and everyday life in New York. The opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.
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By Nina Pajak

It's been a difficult week for love.

The Jen and Ben Affleck catastrophe alone would be enough to sink me. But add to that at least three more celebrity breakups, at least two of which appear to be related to a hot nanny, and it's becoming a little sad. Also, what's with all the hot nannies? Anyway, I could weather the storm were it not for the ultimate crushing news:

After forty years of being America's favorite couple, Kermit and Miss Piggy are calling it quits. The former couple released a statement:

After careful thought, thoughtful consideration and considerable squabbling, Miss Piggy and I made the difficult decision to terminate our romantic relationship. We will continue to work together on television ("The Muppets"/Tuesdays 8pm this fall on ABC) and in all media now known or hereafter devised, in perpetuity, throughout the universe. However, our personal lives are now distinct and separate, and we will be seeing other people, pigs, frogs, et al. This is our only comment on this private matter. Thank you for your understanding.

In subsequent interviews, Kermit revealed that he is now dating an ABC assistant, and Miss Piggy has made it clear that she's footloose and fancy free. Maybe time for Skeeter to make that move? Or was it Scooter? Or was it both of them? Either way, this may be hitting me harder than my parents' divorce. Why doesn't anything good last? Is love real? If a frog and a pig can't make it in this crazy world, who can? I'm just. So. Sad.

But I know how to make this feel better. All I need is to drown my sorrows in a giant bowl of spaghetti carbonara, and all will be right with the world. I'll feel joy again. Maybe throw in a pizza, and some french toast just to be certain.

Wait, what did you say? Come here and say it to my face. White bread and other refined carbohydrates are linked to . . . depression? Well. Why don't you just punch me in the nose and murder my childhood teddy bear, because I'm crying anyway? Want to know what's linked to depression? Telling a girl weathering a (someone else's) devastating breakup that she can't wallow in a giant tub of baked ziti without risking making herself sadder.

At least wine will never go out of style. And, marijuana is making a comeback. See where we're at, America? We're allowed to smoke weed, but we're not allowed to eat pasta. A girl's got to do something. Although, now what can we eat after we've smoked our therapeutic joint? Life is hard.

Nina Pajak is a writer living with her husband, daughter and dog in Queens. Connect with Nina on Twitter!